그 영광의 빛속으로 제 3부 한국 동란! 고난의 세월! 가난 속에 핀 꽃 - 박옥종
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제 3 부 두 번째 꿈 이야기
잠언 16:9 사람이 마음으로 자기의 길을 계획할지라도 그 걸음을 인도하는 자는 여호와시니라
둘째 꿈
작열(灼熱)하는 태양 아래 달아오른 사막은 마치 한증막 속 같았고 뜨거운 모래 속에서 앞으로 잘 나가주지를 않는 발걸음은 터벅거리기만 했다. 갈증으로 혀는 말라붙고 물 한 목음도 구할 수 없는 사막을 사람들은 가고 있었다.
수레와 소, 말들의 등에 잔뜩 물건들을 싣고, 어떤 이는 등에 지고 머리에 보따리를 인 여인들도 있었지만 이제는 짐들은 하나하나 버려지고 홀몸으로도 가기 어려운 이 뜨거운 사막에 사람의 수도 차차 줄어들었다.
이제 겨우 손가락으로 헤일 수 있는 희소한 수의 사람만이 허위허위 최후의 힘을 다해 사막을 가고 있었다.
최후의 이 남은 자 마저 쓰러질 지경이 되었던 그때, 아! 그들의 눈에 초록빛 희망의 상징이 보였다. 은혜였다. 옛 사람은 이런 경우를 가리켜 천우신조(天佑神助)라고 하였던가!
나는 외로운 나그네였다. 그 열사(熱砂)의 사막에선 대화(對話)하는 사람도 보지 못했고 웃는 사람도 보지 못했고 노래하는 사람도 보지 못했다. 오직 이 용광로 같은 사막을 벗어나려는 사투(死鬪)가 있을 뿐이었다. 한 걸음 한 걸음이 혼신의 힘을 다한 걸음이요, 불로 지지는 듯이 따가운 발바닥의 고통과 타는 듯이 아픈 목마름이 이제는 절망의 순간이 이르렀음을 알려 주던 그 순간, 나는 보았다!
청청한 푸른 나무를, 완전히 말라버린 줄 알았던 내 몸속에 액체가 남아 있을까? 하는 절망적인 그 순간, 나는 눈시울이 뜨거워졌다. 내 눈 속에 뜨거운 눈물이 고였다. 내가 그곳에 도착했을 때 청청한 나무 아래 큰 반석이 있었다. 그 반석에선 맑은 생수가 솟아나고 있었고 삼십대는 됨직한 젊은 분이 표주박으로 그 생수를 가득 떠서 내 입에 대어 주셨다.
나는 소생하였다. 그 생수를 마시고 소생하였다.
제 1 장에서 나는 결혼식을 앞둔 어느 날 밤에 꿈을 꾸었다는 얘기를 했다. 그리고 세 가지 꿈을 꾸었다고 얘기했고 첫째 꿈은 1 장 서두(序頭)에서 이야기하였다.
1장
1. 쓰나미의 서곡
기차 통학하는 학생들이 많았는데 기차 사정이 좋지 않아 집에 올 때는 츄럭을 얻어 타고 오는 수가 많았다. 그 날도 여러 학생들이 츄럭을 타고 오는데 헌병들이 나타나 이 학생들을 전혀 생소한 골짜기로 데려갔다는 것이다. 그리고 여러가지로 문초하였는데 그 중에 나의 시동생이 있었고 친정 동생 둘이 있었다 나의 두 동생은 아버지 이름을 물어서 대니까 군 내에서 알려진 이름이고 제헌 국회 선거 위원장까지 지낸 분이라 신분이 확실하다고 인정하고 내보내 주었으나 시동생은 그 길로 유치장에 갇히는 신세가 되었다. 우리 집에는 당장 비상이 걸렸다. 그런데 그 당시는 부정 부패가 심한 시대였다. “옥곡에 정부자 돈고방을 열었다.”고 경찰관 중에서 말하는 이들이 있다는 소문이 돌았다.
그이는 많은 고민을 했을 것이다. 자기가 정면으로 나서서 불의 부정과 싸운다는 것이 역부족(力不足)이라는 것이 명약관화(明若觀火) 한대야 잠시 피하는 것이 현명한 처사일 것이라고 판단을 내렸다. 멀정한 사람도 죄인으로 몰면 죄인이 될 수 밖에 없는 공평과 정의가 땅에 떨어져가고 있는 세상이었으나까…
어느 날 밤, 그이는 나에게 진지하게 자기의 심정을 토로하였다.
오늘 밤으로 자기는 집을 떠나겠다고 했다.
나는 울지 않았다. 나는 조용히 그이에게 집 걱정은 하지 말고 몸 조심 하시라고 격려하며 보냈다. 달빛이 휘영청 밝은 달밤이었다. 만감이 가슴에 서려 할 말도 많았지만 집을 떠나는 분의 마음을 어지럽히고 싶지 않았다.
그이는 12월 말에 집을 떠나 처가를 거쳐 부산에 가서 그 곳에서 세 군데서나 와서 일해 달라는 요청을 받았었고 그 중의 한 자리를 선택하여 부임하였다. 석공(대한 석탄 공사)의 업무과장직이었다. 1950년 1월이었다.
그이의 집 떠난 후의 첫 편지를 받았을 때의 그 감격과 기쁨을 무었이라 표련해야 될지, 사모하는 남성으로부터 첫 구애의 편지를 받은 소녀인들 그렇게 가슴이 두근거리고 황홀했을까? 읽고 또 읽고 그이의 모습을 떠올리며 감격의 눈물로 그 편지를 읽으며 가슴은 파도쳤다. 우리는 편지를 받자마자 회답을 쓰며 마치 열렬한 연인 사이인양 서로의 심정을 토로하며 위로와 격려를 받았다. 2,3일에 한 통씩의 편지를 쓴 것 같다. 6.25 동란이 날 때까지 우리는 수십통의 편지를 썼다.
4월에 그이는 집에 다니러 왔다. 아들을 위하여 여름 교복을 사고 딸을 위하여 예쁜 원피스(드레스)를 사왔다.
나에게 한 이야기를 요약하면 “당신이 이번에 꼭 같이 가기를 원한다면 데리고 가겠지만 내 생각에는 할머니 탈상 때 내가 와서 그때 같이 가면 더 좋을 것 같소. 왜냐하면 사택 사정이 별로 안 좋고 하니 그때 쯤 독집을 하나 얻어서 갔으면 좋을 것 같소”하는 것이었다. 신중히 생각하고 하는 말임을 알기에 순종하기로 하였다. 그리고 나에게 이제 앞으로 공부를 시켜 줄 계획임을 얘기하였다.
그이가 떠난 후 나는 행복한 미래를 꿈꾸며 살고 있었다.
2. 한밤 중에 쳐들어온 난리
가을이지만 밤이라 쌀쌀하였다. 나는 낮에 입고 있던 옷 그대로 버선도 신은 채로 옹송그리고 아기 옆에 누워 있었다. 아기는 새근새근 잘 자고 있었다. 아기만 이불을 덮어주고 나는 덮지 않았다. 잠들래야 잠들 수 었는 밤이 계속되었다. 삶이 무의미해져갔다. 먹는 것도 밥 짓는 것도 요리하는 것도 단장하는 것도 모든 일이 관심 밖의 일이 되었다. 오직 귀만 예민해져서 대문에 달아놓은 작은 종소리가 행여 울리나 귀 기울이며 낙엽 굴러가는 소리에도 민감해졌다. 밤마다 눈물은 하염없이 흘러서 베개를 적셨다. 소리없는 눈물은 가슴을 더 아프게 압박하는 것 같았다.
시어머님도 계시고 아들과 딸 두 아기가 있는데도 오직 한 사람 그를 위해서만 살아온 생명인 듯 그가 없는 세상에선 살 수 없을 것 같았다.
‘어느 한데(노천)에서 그이가 밤을 세우고 있는지 모르는데 나는 지붕 아래 방안에서 어찌 이불을 덮고 잘 수 있겠는가?’하고 밤마다 그이를 생각하며 아침을 기다렸다. 그리고 이제 후회해도 돌이키지 못할 후회를 홀로 되씹고 있었다.
“당신이 이번에 꼭 같이 가기를 원한다면 데리고 가겠지만…”
사실 나는 꼭 따라가고 싶었다. 그러나 그이는 항상 집안 사정을 두루 참작하여 현명한 처사를 하고 있었으므로 할머님 탈상 때 그이가 오면 같이 가는 것이 최선책임을 나도 인정할 수밖에 없어 동의했던 것이다. 그러나 난리가 날 때 내가 옆에 있었어야 했다고 생각되어 두고두고 후회가 되는 것이었다. 12월에 그 이가 1월호 여원지를 사왔었는데 거기 부록으로 따라온 작은 책자가 있었다. 문답식 질문이 쭉 있고 거기 대답을 하는데 따라 올해 당신은 어떻겠습니다 하고 한 해의 신수를 답해주는 그런 것이었다. 우리도 재미삼아 답을 적었는데 내게는 이런 답이 나왔다. “만일 당신의 의리를 지키기 위하여 당신의 사랑을 희생한다면 큰 불행에 봉착할 것입니다.”
나는 잠 아니오는 밤 곰곰히 그 일을 생각하였다. 그것을 전적으로 믿는 것은 아니었지만 지금 내게 닥친 일이 바로 이 일이 아니겠는가? 집안 사정과 할머님의 빈소에서 행해야 할 그이를 대신한 나의 헌신이 끝났을 때 가겠다고 결정했던 것은 의리를 위하여 나의 사랑을 희생한 처사가 아니고 무었이었겠는가!
시동생은 무죄하다는 것이 판명되고 모든 의심 받았던 사람들은 보도 연맹에 가입만 하면 완전히 깨끗한 사람으로 인정된다는 관의 권유에 보도 연맹에 가입하였다. 많은 사람이 이제까지 죄인 아닌 죄인으로 지목 받았던 억울함이 하루 아침에 깨끗해진다는 말에 다 즐겨 보도 연맹에 가입하였다.
6.25동란(사변)이 터졌다. 아무 것도 모르고 평화로운 생활을 즐기던 많은 백성들이 하루 아침에 집을 잃고 부모, 자식, 처자, 형제를 잃고 방황하는 신세가 된 사람이 부지기수였다. 많은 여자들이 남편을 잃고 과부가 되었고, 어린이들이 아빠 엄마를 잃고 고아가 되었다.
많은 사람이 남으로 남으로 피난을 왔다. 살 길은 남으로 가는 것 뿐이라고 생각했는지 피난민은 홍수처럼 남하하였다. 우리 동네에도 사람들이 넘쳤다. 우리 사랑채의 두 방에도 한 방에는 할머니 한 분이 살게 되었고 다른 한 방에는 서울에서 피난 오신 분들이 있게 되었다.
집에서 부지런히 가사를 잘 돌보던 시동생에게 또 다시 환난을 예고하는 기별이 들려왔다. 보도 연맹에 가입한 사람들을 다 잡아간다는 기별이었다. 이제는 어머니도 결사적이셨을 것이다. 태산같이 믿던 큰 아들을 잃었는데 하나 남은 작은 아들을 어찌 또 잃을 수 있으리… 어머니는 난리가 난 후로 장독대에 새벽마다 정화수를 떠놓고 “명천(明天) 하느님, 내 아들 길이를 살려 주이소.”하시며 빌던 기도에 작은 아들 이름도 보태어 더 간절히 기도하셨을 것이다.
어머님께서 작은 아들을 숨겨놓고 우리는 불안한 나날을 살고 있었다.
이 여름 내내 나는 어머님께서 머슴을 시켜 한데에 걸어 놓은 밥솥에서 밥을 짓고 있었다. 어머님은 외숙부님께 부탁하여 신랑감을 구해 온순이를 시집 보냈고 이제 밥솥에 불을 지피며 밥 지을 사람은 나 밖에 없었다. 난리가 난 후 건강이 나빠져 나는 이미 폐침윤이라는 진단을 받았었다. 그러나 어쩔 수 없는 상황이라 나는 천근이나 되는 무겁고 나른한 몸으로 죽지 못해 하루하루를 살아가고 있었다.
밥솥에 불을 지피고 앉았을 때면 언제나 콩 볶는 듯한 기관총 소리가 연달아 나는 것을 들었다. 하루 이틀도 아니고 매일, 매일, 그 소리는 소름 끼치는 아픔을 가져오는 소리였다. 누군가 수없이 많은 목숨이 죽어가고 있는 것이었다. 사람들의 말에 위하면 해방 전에 일본 사람들이 하던 코발트 광산의 폐광에서 젊은이들을 사살하는 소리라 했다. 어디서 실어 오는지는 모르지만 매일 츄럭에 빽빽하게 실어서 이 더운 날에 두터운 천막천으로 뒤집어 씌워 실어나른다고 했다. 이 더운 날에 오다가 질식하여 죽는 사람들도 있다고 했다.
처마 밑에서 밥솥에 불 지피는 그 시간이 내겐 고문대에 앉았는 시간마냥 괴로운 시간이었다.
밥을 다 지어놓으면 밥을 시동생에게 갖다 주는 사람은 나였기에 얼마나 불안하고 아슬아슬하고 괴로운 시간이었는지 철둑에는 철경(철도 경찰대)이 또 군인이, 동네 갓(뒷산)에도 군인이 매일 매가 병아리를 노리듯 동네를 지키고 있었다. 진심으로 백성을 사랑해서 보호해 주려고 그러는 것인지 아니면 조그만 티라도 찍어내려고 그러는지…
좌우간 눈에 보이는 철조망은 없없지만 삼엄한 경계망 속에 사는 듯한 상황인지라 그 모든 것을 의식하며 또 무시로 드나드는 피난민들을 의식하며 사랑채에 있는 분들의 눈을 피하며 아주 안전할 때만 식사를 갖다 줄수 있었으니 참으로 여간 힘드는 일이 아니었다. 아침부터 해가 질 때까지 대문은 열려 있는데 언제 누가 대문으로 들어올지 알 수 없는 상황이었다. 동냥오는 사람, 장이나 김치를 얻으러 오는 사람, 옷을 얻으로 오는 사람, 끼니 때 밥 얻으러 오는 사람, 피난민은 넘쳤다. 담에 호박잎이 남아 나지 않을 정도로 푸성귀도 아쉬운 때였다. 살아남기 위하여… 그런 모든 눈을 피하여 식사를 나르는 일은 내 생애에서 가장 어려운 일인듯 하였다. 시동생을 숨겨놓고 사는 동안에 여러번 놀라고 괴로운 일을 당하여야만 했다. 어머님은 손녀를 업고 마실을 가시고 하필 그럴 때에 시동생을 찾는 사람들이 들이닥치는 것이었다
- 이전글그 영광의 빛속으로 제 4부 침례! 새출발! 인생역전! - 박옥종 13.06.19
- 다음글그 영광의 빛속으로 제 2부 행복한 결혼! 해방! 아들, 딸의 출생!- 박옥종 13.06.19
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PART 4The story of the third dream
A group of people had a flag in each hand which waved in the air as they were climbing up toward the mountain. The mountain was not very steep and the forest on the mountain was not very thick. About ten years ago when I had visited San Jose, I had seen this type of mountain.. It was more like a hill than a mountain. It reminded one of the Garden of Eden with its peaceful, lush, green grass. Toward this mountain we were marching as we flew our flags in the air and as we sang a song of joyful freedom. From out of nowhere many large snakes appeared and attacked us. In order to avoid these snakes, I ran with all my might. But these snakes swiftly chased after me. At that moment I saw a white tent. When I entered the tent I saw a tall Figure with white hair and a white beard wearing a white gown standing in front of me. He told me to go inside a chest made of precious wood with a gold band around it. His facial expression and tone of voice gave me a feeling that I should act quickly. After I quickly got inside he closed the lid. Then I heard his loud ringing voice. "This is one who has been sealed. Let no one touch her!"
Chapter 1
1. A New Start
I was baptized with my mother and my daughter on July 6th, 1963 Wook-Soo Dong Lake in Kyung-san . It was a big event where 3 generations and other people receiving baptism. My brother and his wife came from Daegu to celebrate and took pictures of me.
Since that day, I was in agony. ‘Up until now, I regarded myself as someone probing the church from outside. But shouldn’t I be living, from now on, as a God’s daughter who was rightly and publicly adopted to him?’
However, there was a problem. I sold goods with borrowed money at 15% interests. I was a peddler who went places using trains or buses, but often times, I went by foot carrying loads on my head to remote places. The interest was to steep. Moreover, with my small fund, I had to get the stocks by credit now. I had no rest with worrying about repaying the interest, the credits, and paying for the children’s education. At nights, I stayed awake trying to figure out how I should educate my children. Since I took up some sewing jobs from my customers too, I had to work without any rest even at home. The whole-hearted concern for the well-being of my children kept my frail body going.
As I was constantly worrying about money, my pledge to live as God’s child was gone away and I didn’t even have time to read the Bible. This was not the way it should have been, I truly wanted to live by God’s will. I went to see several church members whom I thought were very godly and asked for some advises. Their replies were all common and general. I thought for many days alone. ‘Carrying to many different kinds of fabrics requires a lot of money. I’ll just choose one kind with many different patterns and colors. This time I will choose poplin. ’This idea seemed to be the perfect answer to solve this difficult situation.So I left again, to Jinhae- my brother was on duty and my mother had gone to my other brother in Daegu. Because I had to leave to sell fabrics the next day, I slept early in my mother’s room to get some rest. It started raining, and I could hear the sound of rain drops on the aluminium roof all night. One day, two days, three days………… that entire week rained. I noticed that it was the Korean Monsoon season. As a peddler, I had to be out with bundles of fabrics to earn money. But I was helpless, unless I could somehow stop the rain myself.
God, in his own way, stopped me and kept me inside. Therefore I could get the solution his way, not anyone else's. I didn’t know how to pray, and also sought help from my pastor or a devout church member as an overriding solution. But now began the tough time of prayer between me and God. I prayed like Jacob when he wrestled with God at the ford of Jabbok. My only prayer request was, ""show me your will.""It was an ardent plea of faith that if it were God’s will, I would pass even through fire or water. I prayed through all my waking hours holding on to one hope, wanting to obey God whole-heartedly. I was determined to live by his will, and asked what his will was for me.
At last, the answer came. July 17th, 1:30am. Just two hours before, on the 16th 11:30pm at night, I went to sleep. I was in a deep sleep when all of a sudden I felt fire that came to rest on me, and it said,"If you want to follow me, you must deny yourself and take up your cross and then follow."On receiving the word, I repeated them to myself in the dark, and the Lord showed me that he said those words to his disciples. Now I had barely started wanting to know the sweet and wonderful truth. Though I had heard the verse before, I had no idea where it had been written or to whom it had been spoken to. Also my mind was so dull as a result of not using, I couldn’t understand anything without the Lord's help.It was definitely the Lord’s revelation!
‘Lord, enlighten me again for I’m slow to learn. I’m lost and do not know how to carry out your command.’You have heard the prayer of a meek soul
In the midnight when all is asleep
I’m grateful for your teaching
Lead me by your Holy Spirit
I have not much strength and I’m weak
So make me like you Lord
I fell into a deep sleep when the fire again came to rest on my head. It was 2:10am.
"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God ."I was in agony again."What am I suppose to do?" I asked"Open Matthew 6," he answeredI woke up, and started to read Matthew 6. On the verse 24 through 34 it said,"6:24 No man is able to be a servant to two masters: for he will have hate for the one and love for the other, or he will keep to one and have no respect for the other. You may not be servants of God and of wealth. 6:25 So I say to you, Take no thought for your life, about food or drink, or about clothing for your body. Is not life more than food, and the body more than its clothing? 6:26 See the birds of heaven; they do not put seeds in the earth, they do not get in grain, or put it in store-houses; and your Father in heaven gives them food. Are you not of much more value than they? 6:27 And which of you by taking thought is able to make himself a cubit taller? 6:28 And why are you troubled about clothing? See the flowers of the field, how they come up; they do no work, they make no thread: 6:29 But I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. 6:30 But if God gives such clothing to the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is put into the oven, will he not much more give you clothing, O you of little faith? 6:31 Then do not be full of care, saying, What are we to have for food or drink? or, With what may we be clothed? 6:32 Because the Gentiles go in search of all these things: for your Father in heaven has knowledge that you have need of all these things: 6:33 But let your first care be for his kingdom and his righteousness; and all these other things will be given to you in addition. 6:34 Then have no care for tomorrow: tomorrow will take care of itself. Take the trouble of the day as it comes."
This revelation shed light as to what I was supposed to do. I prayed tearfully."Lord, I entrust everything to you. Let your will be done. I will also entrust my children’s education to you. If finishing their school will lead to your glory, please help them. If not, only do as you will. I solely pray that your will be done and that you will be glorified. Lord, grant me confidence and faith. Grant me deliverance." I remember, as I was praying, how the tear drops kept falling on my lap.Ever since that day, I finally gained peace. I felt as if completely freed from the snare that was tightening on me. I was free.I received freedom from the Lord’s grace and truth. Peace that came from trusting God led me to joy and thankfulness. I was a new person with a new start.. Hallelujah!
July 6, 1963(Fair Weather)66O Lord,Please accept my soul.. May I rod of the thoughts regarding my flesh.Immerse me in Your divine grace.May I bury the things which have passed away.May I live a new and resurrected life.My soul longs to reachThat high and holy place,But my sinful heart and flesh, bound to this world,Keep making me stumble.So, save me Lord,Lead me out of this dirt and clay.My God,I am your humble servant.I am fearful and trembling to go before You.But I go trusting in Jesus’ blood.O Lord,Please accept my soul!
July 14, 1963Since my filthy fleshDesires only the things of this worldHow could I have salvation?Lord, Look upon me with mercy.When you, O Lord, created this worldWhy did you create male and female?My piercing loneliness after losing my companionskins into my bones. O, how may I control this?In these words weaved by human handsDescribing dazzling dreamsI will soak my unsatisfied heart and soul.In these stories of sadness, distress, and sweetnessPassing by the time of tears and sighsA time of emptiness is passing by.My heart and body are tired.They eventually come before YouMy crying heart looks up to you.Lord, Look upon me with mercy.Why,After the ceremony of immersing my body is doneAnd I have longed to bury my decaying heart and body,Have I not obtained a new life?My ill body has made me lose confidence in life.My thinking is also becoming cloudy.My heavy burden and debtAre pressing down on my shoulders.Oh,My flesh and my heart have not found peace.How shall I find a way to live?Lord, Look upon me with mercy."One who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,And one whose temper is controlled than one who captures a city."Proverbs 16:32 NRSV 2. The Fruit of Prayer
In the summer of 1963, I visited my daughter in the dormitory. Taking off the bus at the train station and walk for a while, then cross the rail road. then walk the narrow alley to the school. After graduating junior high school in Daegoo, she succeded to come to this small country church school afer praying, fasting and appeal with tear.I was surprized at her faith. Her teacher and principal advised her to stay at their school, sugested her to continue study with scholarship at high school and college and to to become a teacher at their school. Mother and brother also advised her to study at the bigger school in daegoo. But Wendy prayed and talked plan with tearful voice to study at this small country christian school. At last she was admitted this christian school at sprng, and I could see her life was changing as a faithful daughter God. Even though she is my daughter, I respected her faith, and realized she made wright decision when I saw her polite, sincere, kind, meek and humble behavior.When I was going to leave after talking with Wendy, she said; "Mom, please belive in God.""I believe in God, too." Truly I believed in God, too. I believed God existed when I read 'the home and health'. I believed God who saved my life when I faced death. "But you need to come to church if you want to live a good believer's life.""Please come to church, mother." She said with an earnest voice.I was a no church believer. I didn't learn that from anybody, but various cercumstances made me like that. I had an unhappy experience at Jin-Hae Church in 1961. My diary shows like this.December 3, 1961. sunset time, cloudy, few drops of rain off and onI was tired after writting all day. Opened notebook again after supper, but couldn't write any more because of light headedness and hurting eyes. It was sad that I could not read or write because of eye problem. I had to give up writing. My eyes were blurred, hurt and dazzled, and I had no other choice. I walked to outside with jacket. Mother asked me "Where are you going in the night?" When I walked on the dusky road, three young men were walking in front of me with bible and hymn book. Suddenly I wanted to follow them. I thought it wouldn't be harmful to listen a sermon after a long time without attnding church...When I walked for sometime, I could see a bell tower of the church. There were about 10 children were playing on the church yard under dimmed light. Children said it was Jin-Hae church. They said they worship at two places, entrance side and inner side. That was strage. When I walked inside, I met a middle age woman who told me "NC group worship at the entrance side, and WCC worship at inner side. They had fight and divided. They couldn't worship at the church building, but worshiped at two seperate hurridly built temporary places. Oh, what a pitiful church!How come Christians who believe same Jesus fight each other?While they were arguing "I am right. you are wrong.", church building was decaying.A pastor called Flleet Chaplain preached. The sermon title was "The Fact of Spiritual Life". He said that mordern spiritual life shouldn't be an escaping life but bravely merging into the community to do the role of salt and light.I still remember vividly the experience at Jin-Hae Church. 'How they can achieve the peace of mind if they fight each other at church like this?' So many sects insisted they were right. I rather to be a 'No Church christian' like Mr. Ham-Suk-Hun, and decided to attend no church."But you need to attend church for a better christian life. Mom, please come to church." My daughter's voice was ringing in my ear when I was doing paddling. There was no bus in the country, and I had to walk on the path, looking at rice field, vegetable farm or river. And my daughter's voice was keep ringing in my ear. "Mother, please come to church." "I wake up 30 min early and pray for mother and brother at the prayer room."I was a strict mother for my chidren's education. I walk up at 3:30 AM and my son woke around tha time, too. He did studying, jogging and carying water for cooking and washing in the morning. My daughter woke up last in our home. She wanted to sleep more if I didn't wake her up. How this late riser can waking up 30 min earlier than other students and pray for mother and brother? The deep emotion became a louder sound of ringing bell in my heart. Especilly on the day of worship, when I walked through the field, the soud was ringing louder in my ears.
3. A Call to Be a Teacher
After receiving the baptism, I started to work as a teacher. It was a small private school with faculty of five including the principal. The school also had night classes. So I had to teach an elementary school during the day and a middle school at night. It was too much work for me. Since it was shortly after the war, children who lost their parents, the poor, and those who wanted to learn flocked into the school. The school offered room and board, so a lot of children left home to come to this school. The building was still not completed and needed work. But upon hearing about the program, the children crowded in. Therefore, indeed, we needed a lot of helping hands in the complicated and overwhelming situation. It was not enough just to teach. I had to take care of them with love."Teacher, my shoes are gone"They had to change shoes to enter the class room. But such were frequent tearful cries of the little ones. I had to soak the badly chopped hands in warm water and put Vaseline on them. I had to wipe those snipping with running nose. We had a little boy and his sister sent here by their father after living with their stepmother. The little boy who was not yet school aged and his sister cared for him like a mother. Her thin frame and the saddest eyes broke my heart. But I was at loss as to how to help them.We had three middle school students who came from a same village in ChoongChungDo: one boy and two girls. One of the girls became sick. She was very ill, so with the help of the boys, I took her to the hospital. It was Jahye hospital by the front gate of Kyungnam high school. The doctor was a loving Christian and he treated and gave the medicine without any charge. He was a member of the Holy Church.However it seemed to have been too much work for me as I cooked for her and took her to the hospital. I got sick. The school was on the top of a mountain and the clinic was down at the foot with my house in the middle point. I was completely exhausted going back and forth several times a day. With my poor health, going to the hospital itself was very tiring along with going up the mountain. The mountain path was so steep, and soon I’d be out of breath. After several days I found myself in the hospital diagnosed as kidney failure. My body swelled up, and it was hard to breathe. The doctor at Jahye hospital prescribed medicine and told me to eat red bean porridge (no salt) or some unsalted dried seaweed.My landlord was a policeman: young couple with one baby. They were good people. I became very hungry whenever I smelled the bean paste stew or soups from their kitchen. As I was having a devotion, singing,"My soul lifted up to me grace of the Lord…" I wept so much… It wasn’t tears of grief. In fact, it was the tears of gratitude that the Lord was always with me though I was poor, lonely, and sickSince Christ set free my soul from sin, this world has been a heaven to me; Amid earth's sorrows and its woe, 'Tis heav'n my Jesus here to know.While singing all 3 verses, tears of thankfulness streamed down my cheeks.Unable to work, I came back to my mother-in-law’s house which was in the country side. She said the E-red bean porridge will help me so she got some mulberry tree, boiled it, and made the E-red bean porridge for me. I became better and better after resting for a while. So I went back to school and started teaching again. I got sick again working day and night.Now I went to a bigger hospital. An American doctor there said,"This is a lifetime illness. If nephritis relapses it is incurable"The doctor at Jahye hospital also said,"You have to think about your children. Please stop working at school. Your very life will be in danger."I had no choice but to leave. Inside the bus to Jinhye, My heart was crying. Memories of The cries of children who lost their shoes, tearful Soon-hee with her little brother, each of my children’s faces, flashed through my mind and sadness echoed in my heart."I’m going to make shoe cases for them."I promised myself as I was heading to my mother’s house.I was recovering under my mother and my brother’s heartfelt care. My brother was a commander of a warship. Mother was in Jinhae to look after my brother who was not yet married. One day, smell of Barbequed beef filled the house. Mother was making Bulgogi for my brother. At supper time, it was set before me on the table. Even though I was going to church, I didn’t know about the health message of the Adventist Church . But I remembered the guidelines my doctor wrote for me. "First, never consume animal fat. Not even a drop of it."The minute it magnified in my head, I prayed silently. Amazingly the desire of wanting to eat Bulgogi disappeared.I can never forget my family doctor at Jahye hospital. He himself wrote the guidelines for me: those which I needed to keep me alive. First, never consume animal fat, salty and spicy food. Second, do not overwork (physically, mentally). Third, maintain a peaceful mind and body. And so on. As he numbered each of them he said these are to be a life-time work. It was a heartfelt thing that even though he could have let the secretary type them, he wrote them himself. Also, he wrote "Guidelines" in big letters so I can always be aware and alerted. I felt Christ’s love and concern from the way he helped me. He was truly a Christian doctor who lived in Christ’s spirit. I’ve put those guidelines in my heart and have been living by them since. I think it as a message from the healer of all illness, Jesus. I was 40 years old at that time, terminally ill. But have lived twice as much. One day, the mother of the pastor of Jinhye church visited me.Out of my bondage, sorrow, and night,
Jesus, I come! Jesus, I come!
Into Thy freedom, gladness, and light,
Jesus, I come to Thee!
Out of my sickness into Thy health,
Out of my want and into Thy wealth,
Out of my sin and into Thyself,
Jesus, I come to Thee!
While singing this Hymn, I was deeply moved. Tearfully, I gave myself to the Lord.Members of Jinhye church made shoe cases and sent them to the children as I had promised. 4. An Extreme Situation
When I left Jinhae, my brother gave me some money so I could use for living expenses since I was ill (under treatment).But when we came back, things didn’t go the way it was supposed to. When I lived in Daegu, Mrs. Sung, whom I truly respected, visited my house and said,"My daughter has opened a stationary shop but she lacks of supplies. School’s about to start and she doesn’t want to lose this opportunity. So I asked Mrs. Bang for help and she says if you tell her she’ll let me borrow some money. Next month when we earn some money, I’m sure I will be able to pay you back, so can you tell her for me? Just for this month, I promise!"This conversation happened 4~5 years before I came back from Jinhae. But because of this, we are still suffering from it. The money my brother gave me was poured in for paying back all that money. The next month, the day which she said she would pay back the money came. But of course, the promise was not kept.From that day, I became a debtor. I had to pay the interest every month. A call from Mrs. Bang came that the creditor wanted the principal.When I lived in Nam-san-dong, my body was weak and because of that I couldn’t work and was living in serious poverty. Not far from Nam-san-dong lived Mrs. Sung and her daughter. Mrs. Sung’s daughter So-hee told me she would pay back the money at a certain day so that day, I walked heavily to their house.I waited for a long time in front of their house but nobody came out. Suddenly, my son who was in high school ran up to me short of breath and said."Mother, I waited for you for hours at home. I thought you fell in faint on the way home. So I ran all the way from home." At that moment Mrs. Sung came out of her house and said"I’m sorry but I guess today’s going to be unavailable, please come tomorrow at dawn."I returned home with my son. The next morning I went to the stationary shop but nothing was there. The previous night, their whole family ran away with all the supplies in the stationary shop! Color drained from my face and I was stunned into silence.Because of the call from Mrs. Bang, I borrowed money from Mrs. Baek, who returned to Korea after the Korean Independence, and paid my debts to Mrs. Bang. And now I had to pay money back to Mrs. Baek. So I paid monthly. But when I came back from Jinhae, Mrs. Baek told me she wanted the whole money back. So I had to pay all the money my brother gave me for living expenses. But how thankful is this! What might have happened if my brother didn’t give me the money? I feel sorry for my brother not using the money brother wanted me to, but Mrs. Baek is a very honest and sincere person and what would have happened if I didn’t pay her the money back? How disappointed would she has been? 5. Journey to Healing with My Children
During the winter vacation, my son and daughter came to see me. Three of us went for a walk one evening and my kids poured out what were in their hearts. The conclusion was that they really wanted to live with me. They didn’t mind taking care of me sick in bed; all they wanted was to live with me. My son suggested that we should get a room in K city and that he would support by working part-time as a tutor.Though I wasn’t fully recovered, I left Jinhae with my children after all. My mother packed flour and wheat which she received from church and sent me off worried. My brother also gave me some money to last for a while.In K city, not far from Daegu bound bus station, close enough for my students, we found just the right place. But the fireplace was outside so we had to walk around the building to get there. This was also the reason why the room wasn’t being rented out. But we couldn’t afford complaining about the inconveniences. The room was big and clean, the schools were near with good accessibility, so it was perfect for teaching. Three of us agreed to rent the room. Next to our room was a building which our landlord used for knitting academy before. Whenever we cooked, we had to go around that building too. As a shortcut, there was a window on the east side of our room, and right outside the window, there was a chair. So we climbed over the window, stepped on the chair and came down to the ground, and pulled out the pots and cooked. It sounds complicated but since we didn’t have a lot of ingredients to cook with - usually cooked rice or boiled noodles - the location of the fireplace didn’t really bother our living. Even so, climbing over the window was nothing compared to hunger and cold.That winter was bitterly cold. The thermometer in the room indicated -3C during daytime when the kids were at school. I had to wrap myself with a blanket. During that winter, we couldn’t get any rice so we lived on steamed barley. It had to soak in water to cook so we boiled it but it didn’t work so well. So we had to cook with unsoaked barley. We didn’t have plenty of it either.. When put in a bowl, it came up way below the half line. On one cold cold day, my son left home early after eating a small portion of barley. He returned home at night after studying all day in the library. Upon coming in, he asked,"Mother, do we have any warm soup? It’s so cold ……"I had been using the flour which mother gave me sparingly to starch my children’s uniform. All I had left was a bowlful.I kneaded it and made soup without any vegetables, only with flour and soy sauce. Wendy was looking at her brother eating. She said"Brother, that looks really delicious.""Yeah, do you want some?" brother replied and poured some into a bowl for his sister.At that time I couldn’t urinate without medicine. I thought, ’how much longer do I have to take this medicine? Jesus can heal all the sicknesses.’ I threw away my medicine and knelt down."Lord, please heal my body. I can’t afford to buy the medicine and I don’t believe in it either. It’s only you that can heal me."I had no counter plans for my health. Ever since I was young, I used to like sweets and was a picky eater. I hadn’t been very healthy. I entrusted everything to God and waited for his disposal. I had not still known about the health message after throwing away the medicine, but I just believed that God will do it. What I did was to carry out his command in Matthew 6:33. It was also the Lord’s answer when I had prayed for one week after the baptism: "But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." (Matt 6:33) 6. The Joy of Living with Jesus
Every 3 o’clock at dawn I woke up, prayed, and read the bible. I wrote poems for the Lord, scheduled my daily plans of living with Jesus, and lived always with happiness and gratefulness in a shipshape manner for God. It seemed like there was nothing bothering between me and God. Even though I was poor and lived in a room that was -3C and had to wrap myself up with the blanket, I was happy, more than ever. Once a beloved wife that all the village people had adored, I was called a truly lucky woman at that time. Will I be able to compare the happiness between now and then? It was infinite happiness that no one will understand.Day by day, the peace of mind came from giving all my burdens to the Lord. Trusting in him gave me happiness that I couldn’t get from anywhere else. By the grace of heaven, I lived with the fountain of life which filled me inside. The Lord took pity on me who was like a weak child who trusted only God, and gave me a lot of pumpkins. I found out after several years later that pumpkin was good at healing kidneys, but I was ignorant at that time. All I did was putting them in the noodles I cooked for my kids and me. And the Lord healed me gradually with those pumpkins that winter. One day when I met my distant relative at the market, she said"Sister! It looks like your face is full of vitality. You look good"I realized that the peace from being with the Lord, and his special treatment with pumpkins, was all from the grace of God. 7. Teaching Students at Home
Every day my son taught at his friend’s aunt's house and I taught 3 students at home. One of them was my distant relative’s son, one of the other two was his classmate. The third one was a middle school student who stuttered seriously. His elementary school teacher, who was my relative, held me back from teaching him because all the other teachers also tried but gave up. But still I decided to take him as my student. In the beginning, because I was a patient who couldn’t sit for a long time, I had to teach them for a short period of time sitting, and then I had to lie down. So when I had to lie down, I told my students to memorize what I taught. I had to repeat this since it was the only method to satisfy both teaching and treating. The distant relative knew how I was teaching them and she introduced me to students whose parents also knew about it. Because of this, the pay was low. But I did my best to teach them, and my handicap was covered by the grace of God with my prayers.Duk-su, the middle school student I was teaching, had a problem reading books because of stuttering. How hard could it be for him to read an English book when he even had a hard time reading Korean books……?Every day we practiced and practiced reading. And I also gave him homework to memorize the things we had read. Day 1, day 2, day 3... no matter how many days passed, nothing changed and no improvement was shown. He never did his homework.Finally one day, I made a big decision after a test that which proved he was putting zero effort. So I said,"I cannot teach a student who never wants to do his homework. Even though you stutter, if you were sincere then you could have achieved from the amount of effort you’ve put in. Since you are this kind of student, I cannot teach you any longer, so I will end today’s class now, and starting tomorrow, you don’t need to come any more.""After this, Duk-su remained in my house, and was on the verge of tears. Even during the next class (elementary 5th grade Sang-jin, Ki-su’s class) was going on, he stayed and I pretended as if ignoring him. The next day was a day when the elementary students (elementary 5th grade Sang-jin, Ki-su’) were to study first. As soon as the two students came into the roon, they started talking loudly as if reporting big news."Teacher!! Teacher!! On the way home from school we met Duk-su. He was reading and memorizing his English book like a crazy boy!! Nothing took his interest; he didn’t even notice we were next to him! Actually, yesterday on the way home, he threw himself into the stream and was swearing at you. I guess he made his mind up after that,"" they said.Later on I found out that my distant relative (Sang-jin’s mother) visited Duk-su’s house the day I rebuked Duk-su. And this was the conversation they had:Duk-su’s mother said," I don’t know why but after today’s class Duk-su keeps on telling me he doesn’t want to go anymore, do you know what happened?"Sang-jin’s mother replied"I don’t know, but my sister (which is me) is not a person who would rebuke someone for no reason. Maybe he didn’t do his homework or there must have been some other reason."So Duk-su’s parents called Duk-su and told him in a strong accent,"If you don’t want to learn from that teacher, get out of my house and live by yourself. Mom and dad will not think you as our son if you do not want to study."So Duk-su had no choice but to keep learning. And a great change has been made one day. Even though he stuttered a little bit he had finished all his homework! I was very very happy."See Duk-su you made it! If you try you can do it! Great job! If you do your best you will be like one of those smart friends of yours in class"After this day Duk-su made progress day after day month after month. Finally when he received his grades, Duk-su was 5th in his class and first for English subject: an outstanding grade! A child whom all the elementary teachers gave up, a backward student whom his parents barely sent to school as filling up vacancy, had become an honor student. Who has done this? It is God who has. The prayers that I have sent for Duk-su had been answered.Ki-su’s situation was similar. He wasn’t a left hander, but he wrote with his left hand. His hand was too weak and his writings were so poor that the letters looked like drawing more than writing. I held his right hand and made him practice writing with it. Also, I visited his family and asked his parents to assist me. But they said"I’m sorry, it has become a habit, and it’s too late."But I didn’t agree, so I asked them again in earnest."I promise you that it will work, I believe it. But I need your help in order to do it. It’s not a hard thing, just tell Ki-su to use his right hand whenever he uses his left."At first, they said no, but because of my earnest request they gave me an unwilling consent.I and Ki-su kept on practicing reading. He had to pronounce "Pyo-eo-yeo-yo" a hundred times. At first, it felt like pure darkness with no hope. But after two months I sensed a small ray of light from a tiny hole out of that darkness. How surprising is the mighty power of God! A remarkable development has begun from that day. That small ray of light became bigger and stronger, and finally unlocked the potentials that he had. Later, he became better then Sang-jin, who was a smart boy in the first place. How wonderful the Lord is... For answering my prayers I praise the Lord. 8. Became a guarantor because of ignorance
"Do not be a man who strikes hands inpledge or puts up security for debts; if you lack the means to pay, your very bed will be snatched from under you." Proverbs 22:26-27
"Take the garment of one who puts up security for a stranger; hol it in pledge if he does it for a wayward woman." Proverbs 20:16, 27:13"My son, if you put up security for your neighbor, if you have struck hands inpledge for another, if you have been trapped by what you said, ensnared by the words of your mouth, then do this my son, to free yourself, since you have fallen into your neighbor's hands: Go and homble yourself, press your plea with your neighbor! Allow no sleep to your eyes, no slumber to your eyelids. Flee yourself, like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter, like bird from the snare of thr fowler." Proverbs 6:1-5I have to confess my foolish past. Even though I didn't sign on a paper or give my clothes as a sign of guarantee, I became a guarantor without knowing what is garatnee; and I and my children had to live with suffering, and I was afflicted with severe pain. Therefore I expressed my dying wish with clear mind even though my dying time didn't arrive yet. "Never vouch! even in the word." "When you help poor people, do not expect paying back, just grant aid to the poor. Always live with a bright and clear heart in front of God."Man doesn't want to break promise but money make him to break promise.I believed my distant aunt Yang was not a faithless person. When she moved to south with her daughter from North Korea after liberation, they stayed at the palor of our house, we associated with cose friendship. When we lived in Daegoo, our friendship continued. When she visited my home in Soosung Dong, I was so glad and sis my best to entertain her. She said her only daughter started a stationer shop. She said "At begining of the new school year, my daughter need money to buy more merchandise. We will have money next month, so need to borrow money for just one month. I asked Aunt Joon, and she said she will lend money if I come with you."I followed with her because I loved her and respected her and had sympathy on her.Next month, Aunt Joon said "that money was not her money but borrowed money from other person." Aunt joon was a widow like me. Like this I became a voucher without intent, be held as a hostage of debt.Inspite of my financial difficulty, I had to pay interest and principal for many years. After I became achristian and read bible, I found the above text in Proverbs and regreted and said "If I believe in Jesus earlier, I wouldn't live a foolish life like this..."After that, when someone asks me to lend money, if I don't have money, I say "I am sorry. I can not help you because I don't have that much money."After I decided to live according to the biblical principle, I became to beable to say "No" when I have to say "No" without reservation. When I look back my life, I became voucher twice and lived extremly hard life. I want to advise to not only my chidren but also young people who didn't have much experience of life, like this "Remember God's words in Proverbs and do not become a guarantor."One more advice is 'if you try to help someone unreasonably inspite of exceeding your ability, you will be in trouble; but if you bring it to God you can help him more abundantly.I pray for everyone who faces difficult problem and asks my help. and I could rejoice with him when I observe his problem is solved and live a happy life.God has infinite power and inexhaustible treasury.
Chapter 2
1. Lessons from Dreams
In May of 1973 after my son’s family had gone to America , I had three meaningful dreams. I myself came to America five years after my son had left, and I had dreams every year in the beginning of the year.1.The first dream was, like what I described in chapter two, in a burning desert. A lot of people had already given up and only a few remaining folks were dragging their heavy legs when a green light appeared. There was water springing up from a rock under a vivid green tree! A person was sitting there and handing out a bowlful of water to everyone. Revived by the living water, they could move on their journey. A dry and barren wilderness was waiting for them. While they were passing through the harsh path, Satan threatened them several times. I shivered at the grisly sight of him. I tried so hard to call Jesus but my voice would not come out. Still I thought on Jesus and did my best to hang on. Then all of a sudden my voice made a tiny sound, calling the name of Jesus and immediately Satan disappeared. I went forward. But then Satan reappeared and scared me so that I would not be able to go on. I used all my energy to call Jesus again and after several times of the same experience, I finally made it to a river side.Jesus was telling me in my mind that I will be in heaven after crossing the river. It was a big river where I could barely see the other end of it. There were no boats around. I thought to myself, ‘There isn’t a single boat here, how could I possibly cross this river?’ Then I heard a voice,‘Look at Jesus. Then you’ll be able to cross the river just as Peter walked on the Sea of Galilee ’ (Matthew 14:27 -29).So I put all my attention to the closed up face of Jesus in my mind and moved forward. I was already at the other end of the river at a speed of so incredibly fast that not even a world-famous skater would have experienced. I was standing by a sea shore of the glassy water in heaven. Faces full of joy greeted me. People in white robe were there. They were praising the glory of God in the most beautiful harmony that I had never heard of before in the world. I praised God with overflowing happiness..I felt that someone was staring at my back. I turned around. I saw my husband that I had not seen for years, not even in my dreams. He was praising too. After I had met God, I had been praying for his salvation day and night. I woke up at that very moment I saw his eyes looking at mine. After that dream, I stopped praying for his salvation because now I believed that my prayer was answered.IIThe next year in January I had another dream.It seemed like I was going on a picnic. I had a middle-sized handbag and I entered into a huge entrance. There was a spacious room. It resembled a main room of a Buddhist temple that I had visited when I was a girl. I thought it to be a picnic from church but when we entered inside, a worldly jazz music was being played. ‘You do not belong here’ said my conscience. I quietly came out. As I stepped out of the room, I saw a bridge over a deep valley. Not long after walking through the bridge, there was a very narrow door made out of stone. I was discouraged because it was too narrow for me to pass. Then I remembered God’s word."Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened" (Matthew 7:7 ,8)Then I prayed. Something amazing happened.. All of a sudden, the door that seemed immovable widened up and I passed right through it. But not long after there was another stone wall that blocked me. Again, I forgot what God had just showed me miraculously and I was discouraged. I cried out to God. Once again, God’s grace allowed me to go through the adamant door. The same thing repeated over and over until I finally reached the end. It was paradise, where I longed to be in my dreams. My Lord was there too. He pointed at the bridge I walked through and consoled me. I was in Him with an eternal joy. IIIAfter three years since my son had left, I had another dream, a third one. We were all in a pilgrimage, on our way to heaven together. On the way, we were faced with a mountain. There was a cave under the mountain. We had to go through the cave in order to move on. There were children among us. But when the adults had to go inside the cave, they had troubles bending their backs. I was not an exception. My back was so stiff and it wouldn’t easily bend. I had to try several times to get into the cave. The way to heaven was so low that without bending down flat onto the ground, you could no make it into it.. While adults were having so much trouble bending their backs, the young ones went through it right along. I learned lessons from these three dreams.The first dream: I need to fix my eyes on Jesus.The second dream: I need to leave the world behind and call Jesus.The third dream: I need to humble myself
2. Inheritance from parents
Our father never employed as a teacher, but I want to give my father a title 'good educator'.He taught his chjldren diligently to walk righteous way, to seek goodness, to live as a righteous person rather than to seek wealth and fame of the world. "Honesty and diligent study" were accustomed in our lives by stuck in our brain and wetted in our body.My brother said "A certain man brought a hen as a gift while our father was not at home. When our father came home from work, he said 'return this hen to him right away!'. And my brother had to walk in the dark evening to return the hen to the man's home.On another day, my brother found smething from the street and took it to home. And my father said "Take it back this to the place where you found it right away!", and my brother had to obey.My father had much sympathy and an orphan young man who was our relative stayed at our home. When he married and got a job at a timber mountain, his parturient wife and her family stayed at our home for whole summer. My father took care of relatives and poor neighbors with special love and concern. My mother was generous person and loved to share food with others abundantly. We were not rich but we were educated to become generous. When we lived at S town, my mother was well known in the neighborhood as 'Youngchun-Deg'{the lady from youngchu}. When we left S town, people came to train station for farewell and wept with handkerchief and were loathe to part.It became a blessing for us that my father educated children to be sensitive to the voice of consciousness and emphasizing honesty. I realize as achristian, my father's education was the proper education to God's will.Although they didn't know Jesus christ and the truth of the cross, our parent engraved in our heart to live by obeying God's will and that was the best inheritance for children.
3."I only wash Your feet with my tears."
I can be saved only through God’s grace.I died and the Lord started a new life in me there.How can I be selfish when my life is saved by grace!I died. Now the Lord lives in me and my life is His. He has claimed me to be His. I am forever in Him.Jesus Christ, who dwells in my heart.I will hold onto Him with my faithful hand. His blood has cleansed me.He was pierced to make me pure.The blood that was shed from His nailed hands and feet,The blood from His head that dripped on His forehead,A drop by drop,O, Lord, Your sacrifice that You made for meWas so great and invaluable,How could I ever measure Your love!O, Lord, I thank You and praise You.What righteousness do I have?A worthless life Without anything to give back to You,A life that is trampled on the ground by people without You,You have called me Your precious daughter,I thank and praise You with tears. O, Lord, Mary Magdalene washed your feet with her tears,And poured the expensive perfume on You,But I am even poorer than Mary who spent all her money to buy the perfume,I am only a widow with two cents.I do not have anything to give You,But I wash your nailed feet with my tears.O, Lord, receive this sinful soul,Give me rest,Grant me endless peace.I do not have anything,I only wash your feet with my tears4. For my dear brother pastor Park, Hyung Jong on his birthday.
For the Lord’s abundant blessingHas let us celebrate your sixtieth birthday with great joy,We praise the Lord.The Lord who has give an eternal life,Let his future days be more faithful and beautiful in You,Let him preach the glorious gospel to the world.Always with humility,Always with perseverance,Always with diligence,Praying and studying,With full of love,With full of fragrance,Help him to testify You brightly,Leading the desperate souls to You,May he be a joyful disciple to You,And on the day You return,May he be called,"My faithful servant".January 9, 1994 Your older sister. Chapter3
1. Arrival to Eden Valley
September 29, 1988I thought I would never be able to come here especially with the pain on my eye.For God’s grace and provision I made it here. I do not know what lies ahead of me here, but God does. I pray that my character transforms in Christ so that I can become a faithful servant testifying the gospel. Since I am where I have always wanted to be, my only hope now is to follow and grow in Christ Jesus. It is my heart’s desire to give the rest of my life to my Lord as my mind and body become healthier. I have met Mrs. Oh who I had always wanted to meet. It was such a delight.Lord, I surrender everything to you. Let Your will be done.Wednesday, October 5, 1988Psalm 71:8 "My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long."When I long for my LordIn my deepest part of my heartPeace overwhelms my body.Like the evening tide on a quiet lakeMy mind is filled with tender joy.Even though no one can see the inside of my heartMy face blooms like a rose.My Lord’s soft voice whispers to my heart,"I will be with you always."I finally realizeWhat true happiness is:It is having Christ in my heart.Ah, I am a blessed soul.Who could ever steal away my happiness!Nobody ever could!Lord is my rock and my shield.Thursday, October 6, 1988Dear Lord, help me to be focused.Let me thirst more for You,Until I can envision You in my mind.Help me prepare a room for You In the deepest part of my heart.And may You abide in that room forever.
October 7, 1988Dear Lord, who has told all kinds of blessings of this world,what is true happiness?Do I have any vain desire in my heart?May You be the only one in my heart’s throne.Help me to find true happiness.Take away comfort and greed from me,Warn me against insensitivity and laziness.Grant me Your heart, Oh Lord.Lead me to follow humbly the path that You went.Give me lips that can utter the words You spoke.Dear loving Jesus,Position me under Your everlasting loveThat overflows like everlasting water so that I may pour the water to those who thirst.Let today’s rebirth continues foreverSo that I may be a light bearerWho encourages all those who wait for Your return. Make me a messenger to the people who are still in darkness of this world,so that they may see light through me.Help me become a deliverer of a letterThat introduces the One who gives strengthTo those who are weak.Use me to instruct those who are hungryTo where they can find true breadby looking at the living God.Always with a smiley face and endless service,I want to be Your living letter.Let me be Your light and aroma as a true living letter.
October 10, 1988"Heaven"Although my physical eyes cannot see right now,My heart clearly sees,The place I long for.The house my Lord has prepared,The living lakeshore where I will walk with my Lord,And the garden where I will rest with my mother.The golden street I will walk on with angels,The praises I will sing with my friends,The harp I will play with my children.HeavenIsBeautiful.Today Mrs. Oh did
October 19, 1988Psalm 138:3 When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.v. 8 The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me, your love, O Lord, endures forever—do not abandon the works of your hands.My vision seems to worsen again. I feel the pressure on my eyes. I have been suffering from continuous diarrhea and symptoms of vomiting and headache. I realized they were the same symptoms I felt at home. Mr. and Mrs. Oh with Pastor Nam prayed for me. I felt a little better, but I still could not sleep well at night and kept praying all night long, falling asleep shortly now and then.
October 20, 1988By God’s grace, I was able to sleep without throwing up at night.I was feeling so much better in the morning.Lord answered my prayers.I went on a walk with Mrs. Oh.After lunch, I went to Social Security Office with Mrs. Park and Mrs. Kim. We went to two different places; one for the government, and the other for the state of Colorado . Both places were friendly and the federal place told me that it usually takes two to three months but they would try their best to take care of me in a month. The other place said I could be hospitalized today or tomorrow.I was not sure if I should be glad or sad, but I felt a lump in my heart.If it was God’s will that I recover my vision, I would go back home and devote myself by taking care of the children and the church, or I could stay here in the hospital and volunteer to help other elderly patients. If God does not cure my eyes, I will have to depend on others’ help, and the thought of it made me sad. I really wanted to get better. It always had been my dream to come to Eden Valley for a long time, but I never thought I would be one of the patients to be hospitalized. My self confidence and pride were crumbled. I felt empathy for beggars. If only my eyes would get better…
October 21, 1988Since I could not see very well, I could not read the Bible as much as I wanted to. I slept at Life Style Center with Mrs. Oh last night. The room was clean and nice but it was too cold during the night that my knees and legs were freezing. I had to put the temperature up and use a hot pad on my knees to fall asleep.At about six thirty in the morning, we came back to Mrs. Oh’s daughter’s house. Korean children did special music with string instruments at church for the evening service.Mrs. Oh put hot and cold water alternatively on my eyes for about an hour and then put some ground sweet potato on them at night. I believe that with her dedicated prayer and care, my eyes will get better, because the Lord has said, "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective" (James 5:16 ).I can’t fall asleep. I had been on my bed with my eyes closed for awhile but I was still awake, so I removed the sweet potato from my eyes and got up. It was passed midnight.October 22, 1988I had not been able to read the Bible and the Desire of Ages for several days due to my eye condition. My devotional time during early morning was reduced. I felt weak for not being able to read them for a couple of days. I realized how precious my Lord is to me as I find myself in such a weak and powerless situation. Suddenly I learned that I could not exist and everything is meaningless without the Lord. Dear Lord,Your love,Your graceI feel their abundance in me.Renew meI beg you On your feet With my trembling lips and heart.Let me stand upAnd reviveHave pity On this sick body.Lord who opened the eyes of Bartimaeus,Open my eyes too.Who else could cure my eyes,Except You, Lord.In this age of worthless medicineAnd powerless doctors, Touch me with Your hands.Cure me so that I can become a useful tool in Your hands.As the woman who had been bleeding for twelve yearsTouched the edge of Your cloak,I hold onto You.Have pity on this sinner.Have compassion on this wretched sinnerEven though I am only a weak sinner.Diagnose my eyes with Your powerful hands,As the woman kneeled down upon Your feet and confessed,Help me confession Your grace to You.May my praise and prayer be ceaselessWith thanksgiving to Your grace that cured this sinner.May my joy and thankfulness be full always. 2. Recovery and Return home. January 1, 1989.
"Now I commit you to God and to the word of his grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified" (Acts 20:32 ).Lord, you know the best way for me,Therefore, lead me and guide me.At this moment of New Year,I want to surrender myself wholly to You.This desire of my heart,You know it and accept it.I am not my own,You claim me to be YoursNow as You live in me always,let me live in You as well. Year of 1989!Your day of return approaches closerLord, wake me up and help me lift up my head.The sound of the arch angel,The sound of God’s trumpet,The sound that shakes the heavens and the earth seems to be heard,O Lord, come quickly.All the dirty, evil, fake, weak parts of me have been washed away,Only purified heart and bodyHave become Yours.With thankfulness and awe,I have encountered a new year and a new day.The music of amazement echoes on the air.Your day of returnI yearn for everyday,I live by looking at You alone.An event that changed my life drastically was my eyes illness for more than half a year in 1988, but it finally came to an end and a new year had started.A new year, the year of 1989 early morning I humbly bowed my head to ask my Lord;"O Lord, accomplish what You have planned according to Your will and let me live for Your glory". April 13, 1989.Rejoice, praise, and thankfulness overwhelm my heart as I woke up.‘It’s another day closer to Jesus’ return!’This thought fills my heart with joy. The movement of that joyfulness stretches throughout my body and I want to shout. But I decide to keep the joy in my heart and offer a quiet thanksgiving to my Lord.It’s another day closer to my day of return to home. In five days I will be back home. The similar joy I feel for the second coming of Jesus is the joy I feel for seeing my beloved ones again. As the day of my return gets closer, I experience the grace of God in my body’s recuperation. Lord is quickly curing me.A new day has come.A new life of thankfulness, happiness, and praise has started.The ecstasy of living water,The Lord has opened up the well of living water in me.Canadian Geese on top of the lake,I see spring in the motions of water.The sky without any clouds—The light of the rising sun shining between the mountaintops,And the birds singing morning praise joyfully,A bright new day has started.After breakfast, I walk between the trees where the birds sing a joyful and beautiful song on the top. Sometimes I cannot see the bird and I get curious what bird it may be. This morning, Mrs. Lee said he learned the name of the bird to be Meadow Lark from Marry. It’s a bird that announces spring.It reminds me of the skylark from my home town that I miss so much.Today was very eventful.At nine forty-five, I went to my eye doctor’s appointment. The pressure on my eye was nineteen. It was lower than before. How thankful I felt. A young doctor was there to learn. I have never met such a morally respectable person like my doctor. He is such a humble and patient person like Jesus. I could not find any other expressions to thank him, so I just said, "Thank you so much!" It was my last day of visiting the hospital. Mona, who had helped the doctor measuring my eye pressure, gave a big hug and showed me love. They are all such loving people.Dr. Phelps said, "May God’s abundant blessing never cease upon him who have taken care of the patient with compassion and mercy." I bought The Desire of Ages, a book that I was reading and being impressed, and gave it to him as a token of thankfulness.I planned to visit Estelle Park with Dr. Choi and his wife, but I received an unexpected call from Madi-aid telling me that they would come to see me at three. I had to give up on the plan and come back to the nursing home with Mrs. Oh.As I was lying down after putting some eye drops on my eyes, two American women came to my room. After they were done diagnosing me and left, Hyung Jin Ko came. He said his real name was Sqoosh. I was amazed at his Korean as he could spoke it fluently. He talked for awhile and opened up the Bible to 1 Thessalonians 5:16 (Be joyful always) before he prayed for me. I was greatly moved.Then Dr. Grospher came. He was the doctor of the nursing home. He measured my blood pressure and heart rate. My blood pressure turned out to be 110-80. The difference has become greater than before. It used to be 80-40 or 50. My blood pressure is definitely not stable these days. I felt a lump in my heart too.Now we are done with sundown worship and as I am writing down the happenings of the day, I realize that it has been unusually full of events.I did not fulfill the promise I made with Mrs. Lee to go for a prayer together. It’s already too late. I think I should call him to apologize.Dear Lord, forgive my sins of the day,Grant me a comfortable night,Help me rest in Your side.After I called Mrs. Lee and apologized, I was closing the curtain and decided to go outside. I thought I would never get tired of the scenery of the sunset. The pinkish hue of the southeast and a mixture of baby blue, white, silver, and gray of the northeast are just indescribable with words. The western sky during the sunset brightens and cleanses the deepest part of the heart. Two little birds fly up high from south to north looking for their nest as the evening darkens. How diligently they seek their place of rest. Ah, the sky! No other fabric of the world can compare to its beauty. How wonderful is God’s handiwork. April 14, 1989.The twilight reflected upon a little lake’s silent waves is still visible from far away.Meadow larks sing beautifully and joyfully on either a tall treetop or a stone column. One sings from here and the other responses from there; they seem to be talking to each other.I always hear the song when I walk down the street after breakfast. I feel warm peace from the song. I picture a horse or a group of sheep on a vast farmland or a deer playing on a peaceful plain. At last I am dreaming of a blessed life without hurt and destruction with birds and animals in the restored Eden . In Matthew 24:42 I hear Jesus speaking, "Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come." I feel like I hear His footsteps. Every moment I feel the closeness of the Lord, who will be in front of my door soon.Today I prayed twice for Mrs. Seo and Mrs. Lee at Mrs. Seo’s room, once in the morning and once again in the afternoon. Mrs. Seo’s fever had gone lower in the afternoon. "Oh Lord, have pity on Your two daughters. Both of them are in a helpless situation. Show your power by healing these incurable diseases."
April 18, 1989The day had brightened and warmed up as the cool breeze was blowing. The birds were singing joyfully. ‘I’m going back home today!’I was getting excited by the thought of it. After lunch I left with Elder Park and his wife to the airport to catch the plane right on time. But the plane ended up leaving past five. When I arrived in Cleveland the plane to South bend had already left. I went to a hotel for the first time to spend the night by myself. I prayed continuously. I felt His presence and was soothed by the thought.At eight o’clock in the morning of April 19, I came out to the lobby and got on the airport limo to go back to the airport. After a little bit of waiting, I could get on the airplane to South bend.At last, I could meet my children I longed to see for so long. I could not stay still until I had to go to bed because of the overwhelming joy and happiness
April 29, 1989"Whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life" (John 4:14 ).Oh, Lord, Give me the water of life this morning.My throat and my heart seem to burn with thirst.The water of life You have promised,May it spring inside of me,Forever and ever.All who are thirsty,Come to the Lord,And drink the living water.Loving Lord willLet the living waterSpring Inside of you.Where was I going without the living water that springs forever?A life that rejects the Lord’s invitation focuses on digging up a well of pride for oneself.Has the living water ever come out of there?No, it never does. When the tired body and mind remain lost in the darkness, a ray of grace shines upon the heart. Our Lord is so gracious that He sent the light to the souls stuck in their selfish bonds so that they may find the place to receive the living water.It is now! It is right at this moment when the light shines upon your heart to follow its lead. When my faith is weak, Lord is my shield and my guide. My Lord is always by my side and watches me with His gracious eyes."Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God" (Psalm 42:5). Dear Lord, when I think I am standing, I find myself falling down again. Without you, I cannot stay standing even for a moment for my weakness.Come, Lord. Come into my heart and remain in me. May nothing else tempt me but You alone fill my heart so that I may be full of joy.Increase my knowledge of You, Lord. May my heart filled with Your love. Let all the loneliness and sadness disappear and only happiness push into my heart. Do not let anything disturb my heart, no matter in what situation or health I am in. Let the joy of having You in me override everything.You are everything in my life. My future shines with the hope I have in You. Now this wonderful path is the one that leads to eternity.
4. Dear Parents of Soojin and Sejin Dec. 9. 98
Time flies like an arrow. It already has been a month and ten days since your mother passed away. The music Soojin played with her violin at the funeral still rings in my ears. Your mother had always been very proud of her granddaughter, Soojin, and although she was not there to hear the music I am grateful to God and to both of you for what your daughter did to console the people who gathered to commemorate her grandmother. When a beloved dies, you usually remember only the good things about the person and regret not being a bit closer and spending more time with the person. That is exactly how I feel right now, regretting not writing a letter of consolation earlier. That is why I am writing to you at this dawn of the day. How long do we live on this earth? People consider longevity as about hundred years which compared to eternity is probably only a dot on a long line that has no end. I have learned through my life experiences that no matter how hard we try, life is depended on the Almighty’s plans and will. Now I realize the deep meaning of the verse, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me" (Ga