그 영광의 빛속으로 제 2부 행복한 결혼! 해방! 아들, 딸의 출생!- 박옥종
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1. 결혼식과 신행 전의 이야기
1943년 5월 27일, 매일 다듬이와 바느질이 계속되더니 음식 만들기로 법석을 하고 그리고 정한 날이 왔다. 나는 내 정신이 아니었다. 입맛을 잃고 며칠 동안 앓기도 했으나 나의 사정엔 아랑곳없이 그날은 왔다. 삼 고의를 속에 안 입으면 안 된다는 어른들의 말씀에 하얀 대마 속옷과 흰 하브다에(실크) 바지 그리고 하얀 속치마에 분홍치마와 노랑저고리를 입었다. 제일 복이 많다는 현자 아머니(아버지와 같은 회사에 계시는 분의 부인으로 어머니와 가장 친한 분이었다.)가 내 웃옷을 지으셨다. 그리고 나는 시집에서 새로 사서 보내온 화관을 쓰고 장옷을 입었다. 입었다기보다는 인형이 되어 입히는 대로 가만히 있었다는 것이 더욱 좋겠다.
누군가에 안겨서 예청에 섰고 어떻게 예식이 끝났는지 다만 꿈속을 헤매는 기분이었다. 사진을 찍는다고 이마에 올렸던 팔을 내리고 그의 옆에 섰을 때 다시 전날과 같이 씩 우는 하얀 치아를 보았다.
와아! 웃음소리가 터지고,
“첫딸 낳을라, 너무 웃지 마라.”
“너무 웃다 입 찢어질라.”
하는 소리들이 들려왔다.
방에 이끌려 들어가 화관과 장옷을 벗기우고 다시 이끌리어 옆집으로 갔다. 신랑의 친구들이 큰 다다미방에 차려놓은 음식상 앞에 앉았다가 일제히 일어섰다. 한 트럭 친구들이 왔다가니까 꽤 많은 수인가 보았다.
축사가 읽혀지고 선물을 받았다. 그리고 또 신랑의 직장 동료 되는 분들이 꽤 큰 선물을 하였다.
첫날밤은 나의 애원을 들어주어 처녀로 밝히게 해준 그에게 감사하는 마음으로 나는 이튿날 아침을 맞았다. 그러나 내내 내 소원만 고집할 수는 없어 나는 그의 아내가 되고 차차 그를 사랑하고 존경하기 시작하였다.
그는 참말 신실한 사람이었으며 약속을 어기는 일이 없었고 남의 허물을 말하지 않고 필요 없는 말을 않는 사람이었다. 내 마음은 안정되어가고 나의 아버지를 공경하는 마음이 두터워졌다. 지금 내가 특필하고 싶은 한 가지 일은 결혼 초에 밤의 대화 가운데서 그가 제의한 한 가지 일에 대해 내가 동의하고 약속했다는 사실이다.
그는 이렇게 말했다.
“휴일 이외의 평일에는 나는 직장에 나가 있고 당신은 집에 있게 될 것인데 사람이 생활할 때 항상 유쾌한 일만 있는 것이 아니고 때로는 불쾌한 일도 생길 수 있고 속상할 때도 있을 것이오. 그런데 당신과 내가 아침에 헤어졌다가 저녁 때 만나게 되는데 우리의 밤의 대화 속에 낮에 일어났던 모든 유쾌하지 못했던 이야기는 가져오지 않는 것이 좋겠다고 생각되오. 우리는 항상 피차에 도움이 되고 격려가 되는 이야기로 우리의 사랑을 더 향상시키는 대화를 하기를 원하오. 나는 그것을 당신과 약속하기를 원하오.”
그와 나는 부부로서 평생을 동고동락하며 살기로 맹세한 약속 위에 밤의 우리의 대화 속에 불쾌한 이야기를 가져오지 않기로 약속했다. 그리고 그와 나는 그 약속을 지켰으며 전쟁이 우리의 사이를 갈라놓을 때까지 나는 그에게 아내로서 정성과 의무를 다하였다.
신행 전 넉 달 반 동안은 즐거운 기간이었다. 달이 밝은 어느 날 밤 우리는 사람의 내왕이 거의 없는 신작로를 걸었다. 간혹 자전거를 탄 사람이 지날 뿐이었다. 가로수가 그림자를 던지고 있는 그 길을 걸으면서 우리는 미래에 대한 이야기를 나누었다. 걱정이나 근심이 개재(介在)하지 않는 미래였다. 나는 그의 팔에 의지하여 아무 근심걱정이 없었다. 그의 튼튼한 갈색 빛 손안에 나의 하얀 작은 손이 꼭 쥐어져 있어 세상에 아무 불안도 느낄 수가 없었다.
소나무 그늘과 잔디가 있고 맑은 물이 흐르며 깨끗한 모래가 고운 샘골에 동생을 데리고 셋이서 놀러가기도 했다. D시에 나가서 놀다 오기도 했다.
그는 그의 할머니와 어머니, 그리고 작은 어머니(숙모님)의 얘기를 잘 들려주었다. 모두 좋은 분들 같고 아무리 층층시하라지만 참 좋은 곳인 듯 어서 가고 싶기까지 했다. 그 얘기를 반증이나 하듯 시아버님 시어머님의 자상스러운 편지를 받고 또 시어머님께서 여름양산을 사주신다고 나오라고 하는 전갈을 받고 나는 고운 옷으로 갈아입고 역으로 나갔다. 시어머님은 세모시 옥색치마에 올이 고운 노리껴한 안동포 적삼을 입으시고 까만 핸드백을 드셨고 연연한 향수 냄새가 풍기고 있었다.
D역에 내리자 곧 미나까이(그곳에서 제일 큰 백화점)로 향했다. 양산부는 2층에 있었다.
“아가, 네 마음에 드는 걸로 골라라.”
시어머니는 상냥하게 말씀하셨다. 처녀 때 파란 빛 양산을 썼던 나는 이번에는 진분홍빛 양산을 골랐다. 그러자 다시,
“부채도 골라 보아라.”
하셨다. 내가 사양하자,
“아니다. 여름엔 더우니까 부채가 꼭 필요하다. 부채는 세 개를 골라라. 사돈과 내가 하나씩 하고 네가 하나 하게.”
하셨다.
내가 가질 것은 산뜻하고 화려하면서도 조촐하였고 어머님들 것은 수수하고 점잖은 것을 골라 보여드리니 마음에 드신다고 하셔서 두 분 것을 똑같은 것으로 하였다. 다음엔 귀금속부에 가서 반지를 하나 고르라고 하셨다. 그러나 나는 사양하였다.
“상답엔 진주 반지 밖에 보내지 않았으니 색깔 있는 보석으로 하나 골라라.”
시어머니의 여러 차례의 말씀에도 나는 끝내 그것만은 사양하였다. 나는 참말 보석이나 패물에 대해 욕심이 없었다. 진주반지는 끼고 있었지만 그것도 남편을 위해(섭섭해 할까봐서) 끼고 있는 것뿐이었다. 시어머니는 빨강 루비 반지를 사고 싶어 하셨으나 그런 것엔 마음이 도무지 가지 않았다.
신행날이 잡혀지고 시집에 가져갈 예물 바느질과 나를 위한 바느질과 다듬이로 여러 날을 어머니와 포자어머니가 수고하고 올케 언니가 친정에서 와서 내 시집갈 바느질과 예단 바느질을 하였다. 어머니의 고종 사촌 언니까지 오셔서 수고하셨다. 올케 언니는 여러 날을 나를 위해 수고하였다.
2. 신행(新行)
음력 9월 중순경 나의 신행 날이 당도했다. 밤에까지 오던 비도 멈추고 날은 맑았다. 나의 아버지는 인력거를 타시고 나를 태울 가마는 마당에 대령되어 있었다. 내가 가마 안의 사람이 되자 어머니는,
“얘야, 몸조심하고…….”
본래 말이 적으신 어머니는 말을 잇지 못하시고 말았다.
“엄마!”
나도 더 이상 말을 못 하고 공중에 붕 뜨는 듯한 기분에 마음까지 언짢아져서 눈물이 왈칵 솟구치려 했다. 그러나 나는 꾹 참았다. 좋은 날에 울면 좋지 않을 것 같아서였다. 그래서 나는 울지 않고 친정을 하직할 수 있었다.
시댁 마을 입구에 있는 주막에서 잠깐 쉰 후 가마는 시댁 활짝 열려있는 대문을 통과하여 안방 툇마루에 가마채를 댔다. 가마 문이 활짝 열렸다. 연회색 신사복 차림의 신랑이 환한 미소를 띠고 눈앞에 서있었다. 사랑을 가득 담은 그의 눈이 나를 바라보고 있었다. 정씨 문중의 하인인 월이가 나를 이끌어 안방의 보료 위에 앉혔다.
폐백을 드릴 때 나는 우리 전통적인 절에 대해 가르침을 받아야만 했다. 친정어머니는 딸에게 절을 어떻게 해야 하는지 한 번도 가르친 적이 없었다. 그러므로 나는 학교에서 예법 시간에 배운 방식의 절 밖에 알지 못하였다. 월이의 말에 의하면 그것은 남자들의 절 비슷하게 하는 절이고 여자가 올리는 큰 절은 이렇게 하는 것이라고 아예 시범을 보였다. 그런데 내겐 그 큰절이 왜 그렇게 힘든 것이었는지……. 내가 있는 방에 누가 들어올 때마다 일어서야만 했는데 참 힘들었다.
잔치가 계속될 동안 사람들이 무시로 들어갔다 나갔다 함으로 첫날 낮에는 안방에 있다가 밤에는 건넌방에서 나를 따라간 하인과 그 방에서 잤다. 건넌방은 우리가 앞으로 거처할 방이었던 것이다. 따라간 하인은 나의 친정 고모님의 이씨 문중의 하인이었는데 60여세 된 분이었다. 정씨 문중의 하인인 월이는 70이나 되지 않았을까 생각되었는데 새파랗게 젊은 아이인 내게 “아씨, 아씨” 하며 존경하고 나는 그들에게 해라고 해야 하니 내 마음은 괴로웠다. 나의 친정은 벌써 개화된 생활을 살고 있다고 할까 하인이 없었다. 누구나 다 동등으로 여기고 자라났는데 결혼을 하니 이렇게 옛날로 돌아가 구세대의 격식을 차려야 하는지…….
하여튼 나의 고모님댁 하인은 이튿날 아침에 내가 일어났을 때 나를 위하여 세숫물을 대령해 주고 내가 낯선 시집에 와서 당황하지 않게끔 모든 것을 도와주었다. 새벽에 일찍 일어나 할머님과 아버님, 어머님께 문안 인사를 드려야 했는데 최소한 사흘 동안은 그렇게 해야 한다고 들었는데 친정에서 장만해 온 것을 차려 그것을 어른들께 올리고 절을 하는 것이었다. 하인이 그 모든 것을 주선하고 도와주고 절할 때도 붙들어 주고 하였다. 그런데 문안 인사를 받으신 할머님과 시부모님께서 이만해도 족하니 고만하라고 분부를 내리셨다. 그래서 새벽 문안인사를 드리는 일은 하루로 끝났다.
그런데 나는 머리가 짧아서 겨우 묶으면 되는 정도였기 때문에 신행 때 올케 언니가 망을 씌우고 해서 쪽쪄 주었던 것이 하룻밤 자고 나자 내 솜씨로는 쪽질 재간이 없었다. 나는 울상이 되어버렸다. 그러나 신랑이 방패가 되어 주어서 양머리를 하여도 되게 되었다. 그러나 숙모님은 “쪽찌면 훨씬 나은데…” 하셨다.
10월에 D시에서 박람회가 있어서 온 가족이 박람회 구경을 갔다 왔다. 그리고 또 한 번 시부모님이 나를 데리고 D시에 가서 외투를 맞춰주셨다. 나는 그 후 얼마 있지 않아 음식을 먹지 못 하고 시원한 배가 먹고 싶었는데 아무에게도 얘기할 수가 없었다. 부엌에서 무를 썰면서 그것이라도 한 조각 먹고 싶었지만 먹을 수가 없었다. 친정 생각이 간절했다. 친정엔 엄마가 올해도 무를 움 속에 많이 갈무리해 두셨을 거고 배 맛 같은 물김치가 한 독 있을 것을 생각하니 정말 더 시원한 것만 먹고 싶어졌다. 그러나 아무에게도 내 마음을 털어놓을 수가 없었다. 내게는 무 썰면서 무 한 조각도 입에 넣을 수가 없는 조심스러운 첫 시집을 살던 시절이었다.
음력 동짓달 양력으로는 12월, 아버님께서 동네에서 가장 힘세고 큰 수탉을 사오셨다. 어머님은 그것을 곰하여 권하셨다. 정말 나는 그런 것은 조금도 먹고 싶지가 않았다. 그러나 어른이 그렇게 권하시는데 조금이라도 먹어야만 했다. 억지로 조금 먹은 것 때문에 설사를 하게 되니, “쯧! 쯧! 어째 그리 못 먹노? 도로 살 내리겠다.” 하시며 못마땅해 하셨으나 이제 더 권하지는 않으셨다.
무나물이나 찌개 또는 국을 끓일 때 무를 내다 썰 때면 그게 먹고 싶었다. 타는 듯한 목을 축여줄 것만 같은 시원한 무가 아작아작 씹히는 소리와 함께 내 목을 넘어가는 듯 했다. 그러나 그 무를 먹을 용기는 나지 않았다. 동치미가 먹고 싶었다. 그러나 짠 김치뿐이었다. 그것도 너무 짜서 조그만 김치 조각 하나로 댓 숟갈의 밥을 너끈히 먹을 수 있을 듯한 짠 김치였다.
한 번은 아버님의 고종사촌인 아직도 미혼인 그이와 동갑인 아주머니가 놀러왔는데 그날 마침 팥죽을 쑤었었는데 저녁상에 같이 앉아 식사를 하면서 팥죽을 먹으며 그 김치를 아작아작 짜다 소리도 않고 어찌나 맛있게 잘 먹는지 부러운 생각까지 들었다. 어서 친정에 보내 주시면 시원한 걸 실컷 먹어나 보련만……. 음력 동지 스무 아흐렛날이 근친 날이었다. 그날이 삼추같이 기다려지는데 어느 날 아침 아버님께서,
“아가, 네 근친 날을 열흘 당겨서 열 아흐렛날 가도록 했으니 그리 알라.”
정말 너무 기뻤다. 나는 말은 않았지만 ‘아버님 너무 너무 감사합니다.’ 하고 마음속으로 뇌이고 있었다.
음력 동짓달 열 아흐렛날, 그날은 내 초등학교 때 친구가 이 같은 정씨 집안으로 시집 온다고 해서 나를 대반으로 앉아달라고 요청을 했었다고 한다. 그러나 나는 그날 근친 가는 날이었다. 내가 근친 간 친정에 그 친구가 월이와 함께 한 번 찾아왔었다.
근친 날이 가까워 왔다. 숙모님이랑 종숙모님들 모두 모여서 떡방아를 찧고 떡을 만들고 법석이쎴다. 남자 하인은 그득그득 두 상자의 떡을 겨우 지고 일어서고 여자 하인은 배행으로, 숙부님과 같이 친정으로 향하였다.
친정이 가까워 오자 힘이 났다. 석 달 동안(실상은 만 두 달 동안) 바깥 구경을 못한 내겐 모든 것이 신기했다. 친정의 큰 김칫독에 배맛 같은 동치미가 한참 맛있게 익어서 나를 기다리고 있었다. 큰 무 움이, 그 옆에 좀 작은 배추 뿌리 움, 도착하던 날 나는 당장 동치미 한 사발에 근친 가며 가져간 떡 한 쟁반을 다 먹어치웠다. 입덧 때문에 주렸던 것을 한꺼번에 보충했던 셈이었다. 먹고 싶던 시원한 걸 실컷 먹고 나니 힘이 났다.
어쩜 또 아버지는 올해는 예년보다 더 많이 사과를 사놓으셔서 다다미방에 천정가지 닿도록 사과 궤짝을 쌓아 놓으셨다. 나는 날마다 잘 먹고 잘 잤다. 어머니는 날마다 맛있는 것 해주시고 구해 오시는데 신이 나 하셨고……. 어머니는 S역에 볼일이 있어 가신 김에 배와 귤을 또 잔뜩 사오셨다. S는 배 고장이며 그곳 배는 또한 맛 있기로도 이름 나 있다고 우리 고등학교 때의 선생님이 말씀하신 것을 들은 적이 있다.
“먹고 싶은 것 다 못 먹으면 눈이 짝짝이인 아기를 낳는다.”
어디서 연유된 말인지… 아마 어머니는 이 말을 믿고 계시는가 보았다. 어머니는 옛날에 친정이 넉넉하여 아기마다 친정에 가서 낳으셨고 태중이면 늘 좋은 약에다 애기 낳기 전에나 후에도 더할 수 없이 위함을 받으셨다는 것이다.
어머니는 봄이 되자 포항으로 동래로 가셔서 미역을 많이 사오셨다. 제일 큰 독에 미역이 가득 차고 나서야 미역 사기를 그만 두셨다. 무엇이나 통제되어 있는 시국이어서 아무리 돈이 많아도 K에선 미역도 마음대로 구할 수 없었던 것이다.
어머니는 말이 적으시고 말없이 사랑을 실천으로 표현하는 분이셨다. 나의 친할아버지께서 생선(무슨 생선이었는지 이름은 기억할 수 없음)이 잡수시고 싶다 하셨을 때 어머니는 포항까지 가셨다. 이 고장에서는 그것을 구하지 못했기 때문이었다. 그리고 그곳에서 할아버지가 원하시는 생선을 사가지고 돌아오시다 다른 장사꾼 사람들과 함께 경찰 신세를 지게 되었다. 그러나 어머니를 문초한 경찰은,
“당신 효심이 복 받겠소.”
하고 놓아주더라는 것이었다. 그래서 그 해 겨울 할아버지는 그 생선을 잡수시고 기운을 차리실 수 있었다.
어머니는 착착 해산할 날을 위하여 착착 준비하여 나가셨다. 그런데 시댁에서 오란다고 그이가 와서 그랬다. 나중에 안 일이지만 너무 자주 찾아오기도 이쪽저쪽 미안하니까 부모님께 얘기해서 내가 오도록 자기가 종용한 것이었단다.
3. 다시 시댁으로
그래서 나는 할 수 없이 음력 삼월 삼진 날 친정아버지와 같이 시집으로 갔다. 어머니가 햇쑥을 뜯어서 은은한 청자 빛으로 물들인 절편과 인절미, 희고 깨끗한 절편과 인절미, 쑥 인절미의 고물은 거피 녹두, 흰 인절미의 고물은 거피팥… 엄마의 떡 솜씨를 최대한 발휘하여 참으로 아름답고 소담한 두 상자의 선물을 짐꾼이 지고 시집으로 돌아갔다.
어머니는 이제 윤 사월이면 또 와야 할 걸, 괜히 오란다고 좀 언짢아 하셨지만 하는 수 없었다. 시집의 영이니 거역할 수가 없었다. 애기는 친정에서 낳기로 되어 있어서 괜히 몸도 무거운데 왔다 갔다 할 필요가 없는 듯이 보였지만…….
그날은 화창한 일기라서 철둑의 푸른 잔디 사이에 노랑 민들레가 웃고 있고 나비가 날고 있었다. 산엔 진달래가 붉었고 마을엔 살구꽃이 길가 집 울타리엔 개나리가 피어 있었다. 모든 것이 즐겁게 보였다.
떡상자를 진 하인이 앞서 들어가고 아버지와 내가 골목길로 들어서니까 시아버님께서 마중을 나오셨다. 그런데 그 전보다 영 다르셨다. 기르셨던 머리를 초등학교 어린이들처럼 깎으셨고 지팡이를 짚으셨는데 아주 흰 편이셨던 얼굴빛도 좀 검어지셨고 단장을 짚으셨다. 어린애같이 반겨 하시며 아버지를 맞이하셨다.
“아무래도 큰물에 놀던 고기가 다르지.”
숙모님은 사가에서 보낸 떡을 나누는 동안 친정어머님의 솜씨를 이런 말로 평가하시며 먹기조차 아깝다고 들고 보시며 어떻게 요렇게 면경알 같이 고운가고 하셨다. 그래서 나는 약간 우쭐해진 듯 기뻤다.
집안은 삽시간에 잔치집이 되었다. 비교적 한가한 봄철이라 일족이 한 마을에 모여 사는 이 동네에선 모일 사람은 다 모였다. 사랑에서고 안채에서고 떡을 나누며 즐겁게 담소하고 있을 때였다. 돌연 집안 분위기가 이상하게 술렁대기 시작하였다. 그날 친정아버지께서 어떤 마음으로 어떻게 당신의 집으로 돌아가셨는지 알 길이 없다. 나는 천지가 내리 덮이는 듯한 슬픔에 아무것도 분간할 수가 없어 울고 말았다. 내가 사랑에 나갔을 대 시아버님은 시어머님의 무릎에 머리를 얹고 말씀조차 못하고 누워 계셨다. 내 무릎엔 쉴 새 없이 뜨거운 눈물이 떨어지고 있었다.
“얘야! 이리 오너라.”
쌍창문으로 사이를 낸 다음 방에서 숙부님이 부르셨다. 마루로 나와 그 방문을 열고 들어섰을 때에도 눈물은 조금도 그치지 않고 흘러내리기만 하였다.
“얘야, 거기 앉아라.”
내가 자리에 앉는 것을 보시고 숙부님은 말씀을 계속하셨다.
“얘야, 네가 한 살, 두 살 먹은 애기도 아니고… 강보에 싸인 아기도 어미를 잃고 사는데… 네가 지금 아버지가 돌아가신다고 못 살겠느냐? 그만 울어라. 네 몸 상한다. 그리고 형님은 그전부터 신양이 계셔서 오래 못 살 것을 아시고 며느리를 보신거니 조금도 걱정할 것 없다. 그저 자식 된 도리로 부모가 무병하게 장수하시는 것은 누구나 바라는 바지만 사람의 원대로 안 되는 것은 또 어쩌겠느냐? 마음을 안정시키고 건강을 위해서 음식도 열심히 먹고 네 할 일을 하는 것이 네가 지킬 본분이며 자식 된 도리다. 네 마저 병나 누우면 집안이 어떻게 되겠느냐?”
- 이전글그 영광의 빛속으로 제 3부 한국 동란! 고난의 세월! 가난 속에 핀 꽃 - 박옥종 13.06.19
- 다음글그 영광의 빛속으로 제 1부 출생과 배경- 박옥종 13.06.19
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PART 2
Happy Marriage, Liberation,
Birth of son and daughter
Chapter 11. The Story of My Wedding and the Period Before going to the Bridegroom’s House
May 27, 1943, finally the appointed day came after there was a continuous sound of sewing and lots of cooking for the reception of the wedding ceremony. I couldn’t keep calm in my heart. Instead of feeling joy I felt unrest, lost my appetite and was sick for several days. Regardless of my concern and condition, the wedding day arrived. The night before the wedding, I had three dreams and I thought they were very meaningful. I didn’t know of their meanings at that time but the stories of the dreams were accomplished in my life.
"You must wear short pants made of flax cloth." I obeyed the elder’s instruction and I also wore a pair of white silk long pants, a white under wear skirt, a pink skirt and a light yellow Korean jacket. Pamela’s mom, who was the wife of my father’s colleague at work whom people said as the best blessed woman, made my costume and I think it was my mother’s wish that her daughter could also be a blessed woman like the lady. And I also wore a long formal multi-colored coat and a women’s ceremonial coronet that was sent by the bridegroom as a gift with lots of other gifts for the bride. The coat and ceremonial coronet were put on me by others and I just kept still like a doll. Somebody held me and took me to stand at the wedding hall and I didn’t even know how the wedding ceremony was finished as I felt like roaming in a dream. When I put down my arms and stood beside him to take pictures, he grinned again as he did before. "Wow! That was a burst of laughter!" "If you smile too much you may give birth to a daughter.""Don’t smile too big or your lips may tear"I heard these words from young people.
I was escorted into the room and taken off the crown and the robe and escorted again to the next house. The friends of the bridegroom who gathered there at the table with lots of food, and they all stood up as I entered. I heard a full truck of his friends coming. A congratulatory address message was read and they gave us a present. Also the bridegroom’s fellow workers gave us another present. At first night, he accepted my entreaty to keep my virginity and I met him the next morning with thankfulness. But I couldn’t remain as a virgin forever and eventually I became his true wife and gradually I began to love and respect him. He was a sincere person. He didn’t break any promise, and didn’t find any fault in others or speak out useless words. My mind was gaining rest and I respected my father even deeper. In the beginning of our marriage, we were having a conversation one night and he offered me one thing which I agreed with him and we promised each other to keep it.He said like something like this;"During the weekdays, I will be in the office during the day and you will stay home. Sometimes, there will be cheerful times but unpleasant or distressful events may also happen in the course of our days. I go to work in the morning and we will meet again in the evening. I think it will be better not to talk about unpleasant matters that happen during the day. I want our conversations to be always helpful and encouraging to each other. I want to keep this promise between you and me. " Upon the marriage covenant of sharing joy and sorrow for the whole life, we added this promise not to bring unpleasant stories into our conversations at night and we kept this promise till the war separated us. It was one of the things I did my best with sincerity as his wife.
It was a happy time during the period of our stay at my house before going to my husband’s house. One night, under the bright moonlight, we walked on the street where no one could be seen. There were not many cars in those days and we saw some bike riders once in a while. Walking and stepping on the shade of the street trees, we talked about our future without any worries or anxiety included in it. I had no worries relying on his arm. In his brown strong hands my white small hands were held tightly and I didn’t feel any anxiety. Sometimes we went on a picnic taking my brother to a place called Semgol, and there were pine trees, a pasture of green grass and clean water was flowing in the stream by the fine sand. We often went to D city to trim my hair and once we also went to a theater to watch a movie.
He used to tell me about his grandmother, mother and aunt. They all seemed to be good persons and even though it was a big family I wanted to join the family soon. As if to prove his words, my parents-in-law wrote me a friendly letter. In fact, my mother-in-law sent me a message to meet me to buy me a parasol. I went to the station to meet her dressed in pretty clothes.My father-in-law and my mother-in-law came out and she was wearing a light yellow fine linen skirt in jade color and Jhoksam, unlined Korean summer jacket. She was holding a black handbag and I could smell aromatic perfume from her.
When we got off at D station, we headed for Minagai Department store (the biggest department store in the city). The parasol department was on the second floor. "Dear, choose one that you like."She told me in a friendly voice. I used to have a blue parasol before so now I chose a dark pink parasol. And she said again; "Choose a folding fan too."I reclined this time and she said "You need a folding fan because it’s hot in the summer. Choose three; one for your mother, one for me and one for you."I chose a neat, splendid and tidy one for me and I chose a sober and decent one and she liked it so I chose two of them, for my mother-in-law and for my mother. And then she took me to the jewelry department and asked me to choose a ring and I declined again. "I sent only a pearl ring as a wedding gift so you choose a colored jewelry ring now." She asked me to buy one again and again but I declined it politely. I was not interested in jewelry. I wore the pearl ring and it was for my husband because if I wouldn’t wear it, he might feel sorry for it. My mother-in-law wanted to buy me a red ruby ring but I was not interested in it.
It was the day to go to my husband’s house and my mother and a lady who came to help my mother were busy making clothes to be given as a gift to the bridegroom’s family. My sister-in-law who stayed in her house came to do the work and my mother’s cousin also came to help her. My sister-in-law worked for many days for me. 2. Going to The Bridegroom’s House for the First time
It was finally the day for me to go to my husband’s house for the first time after my marriage. It was in mid-September according to the lunar calendar. It was raining until the night before but in the morning the rain stopped and it was a bright sunny day. My father rode a rickshaw, and a sedan chair was waiting for me in the yard. As I entered the sedan chair my mother said,"Dear daughter, take a good care of yourself…"She was not a very talkative person and she couldn’t finish the words to me. "Mom!"I also couldn’t speak more and I suddenly felt floating in the air. As my heart was aching, I almost burst into tears.. But I made up my mind firmly not to cry on this blessed day and I could manage to leave my parents’ house without crying.
We had a short rest on the way at a tavern located at the entrance of the village where my husband’s family lived. A little while after, the sedan chair kept on moving and entered through a big gate, which was wide open. The sedan was put on the floor of Korean verandah. The door of the sedan chair was opened by the bridegroom and I found the bridegroom standing there smiling brightly, wearing a new suit of light gray color. His eyes gazed at me with full of love.I was escorted in and sat down on a decorated cushion in the main (the women’s) living room. When Pyebaek (a traditional ceremony to pay respect to the bridegroom’s family by the newly wedded couple right after their wedding) was offered, I had to learn from Wolyi, a maid servant of the family, about the traditional bow. Because my mother did not teach me about it, I did not know how to do it. I only knew the manners of bow that I learned in school. According to Wolyi, my bow was a simple bow of a man and a woman’s big bow was different. She showed me how to do it but the big bow was very difficult for me to learn.
While I was sitting there all day long, I had to stand up whenever someone entered the room and it was a hard work for me because a great number of guests came in and out frequently. During the day, I was in the main room but I slept in the room of the opposite side with the maid servant who followed me from my parents’ house. The room was a bridal room. The maid servant who came with me was from one of my father’s aunts and she was about 60 years old. The maid servant of my husband’s house looked to be about 70 years old but she called me, "madam" with respect. On the other hand, I had to treat her as a lower servant and call her in a way that was uneasy for me. We did not have any servants in my parents’ house. It may be that we had a more modernized life. I grew up in an atmosphere where everyone was treated equally but it was different in my husband’s family where I felt like going back to the old days.
The next morning, the maid servant who came with me, brought me water to wash my face and helped me do everything so that I would not be perplexed in the new environment. I had to pay my respects to my grandmother-in-law and parents-in-law early in the morning by offering them big bows and foods that I had brought from my parents’ house and I heard that I had to do that for at least three days. The maid servant who came with me helped me prepare the food and also aided me when I was giving big bows. After the bow my in-laws said that it was enough and I didn’t have to continue doing it. The early morning ceremony was finished in one day.
My hair was quite short but it was long enough to tie it and as I was leaving my parents’ house, my sister-in-law helped me to hold it up with a hair net but after a night of sleep, I couldn’t redo it by myself and I felt like crying. But my husband became a shield for me and I was allowed to stay with a western hair style, even though my husband’s aunt said; "If she holds the hair up, it would be much better…"On October, there was a fair in D city and all of my family went to see it. And once again, my parents-in-law took me to D city and bought me a coat. Not long after that, I was pregnant. I felt sick in the morning and I couldn’t eat well. I wanted to eat some cool pear but I couldn’t tell it to anybody. I even wanted to eat a piece of radish as I was cooking in the kitchen but I couldn’t eat it. I longed for my parents’ house. Maybe my mother had stored lots of radish and there would be a big jar of radish Kimchi. The thought of it made me crave more for that food. I was living the days of extreme carefulness in my husband’s house and I didn’t even have the courage of eating a piece of radish for myself.
On the month of November according to the lunar calendar, or December in solar calendar, my father-in-law bought a rooster, the biggest and strongest one in the village. My mother-in-law cooked it to make a thick meat broth from it and asked me to eat it. I really didn’t want to eat it but they insisted it so I had to eat a little. I ate it under pressure and I suffered from diarrhea. And my parents-in-law felt sorry for that and said;"Tut, Tut! Why couldn’t you eat it? You will lose weight."But they didn’t ask me to eat it again.When I was cutting a radish to cook soup or other side dishes from radish, I wanted to eat the raw radish. I felt that it will cool my throat and I imagined swallowing it after chewing it with a crispy sound. But I didn’t have the courage to eat it. I wanted to eat watery radish kimchi. But there was only salty kimchi. It was so salty that I could eat several spoons of rice with a piece of kimchi.
Once, a second cousin of my father-in-law, who was the same age as my husband but still a single, came to visit us. We made red bean porridge and as we were eating together at the dinner table, she ate the salty kimchi very well with crunchy sound without complaining that it was salty and I envied her. If I could go to my parents’ house, I would eat the delicious kimchi a lot…November 29 according to the lunar calendar was the designated date for my first visit to my parent’s house. As I was waiting for the day very eagerly, one day my father-in-law called me and said;"My dear, visit your parents’ house ten days in advance and go on the 18th."I was so glad. I didn’t speak it out loud but I was repeating in my mind, "Father, thank you so much!"On the 19th, according to the lunar calendar, one of my elementary school friends was going to get married to a person of Chung’s family and they asked me to serve as a bride attendant, but I was already at my parents’ house. After I went to my parents’, the friend visited me with Woli, the maid servant. When the day of visiting my parents was coming near my aunts-in-law and second aunts-in-law gathered together to mill rice and make rice cake of it and they made a big fuss. A male servant carried two full boxes of rice cake and the maid servant escorted me as we were headed to my parents’ house with my uncle-in-law.As I was getting near to my parents’ house, I felt like I was being strengthened. For three months (actually two entire months) I didn’t go out of the house or see anything, so everything looked marvelous. The watery radish kimchi was waiting for me and it was well ripen. It tasted as delicious as a pear. And there was a big raw radish and a Chinese cabbage root sprout stored under the ground too.
On the day of my arrival, I ate a big bowl of watery radish kimchi and a dish of rice cake that I brought from my husband’s house. I had starved because of morning sickness and now I supplemented it at once. I ate the food that I was craving for and I felt strengthened.My father had bought more apples than any other years and stored them in the attic as much as he could that the apple boxes reached to the ceiling. I ate and slept well. My mother was happy to find and cook delicious food for me everyday. My mother once went to S city for business and she bought a lot of pears and tangerines. I heard in my high school days that S city was well known for its pear production and its good taste."If you do not eat the food that you crave in pregnancy, you will bear a baby with different-sized eyes" I don’t know why they said something like this but my mother seemed to believe it. My mother was from a wealthy family and during her pregnancy her father used to give her oriental medicine and took care of her very well before and after the delivery.
When spring came, my mother went to Pohang and Dongrae to buy seaweed for me. It was only after she stored the seaweed fully in the biggest jar that she stopped buying seaweed. Everything controlled by the government at that time and we couldn’t buy things freely even if we had the money. My mother didn’t say many words but she showed her love in practice. When my grandfather once wanted to eat a kind of fish (I can’t remember the name of the fish), she went to Pohang , which was far away from my house because she couldn’t find it at the place where we lived. She bought the fish and on the way home she was arrested with other merchants by the police, but the police official who examined my mother, said"You will be blessed for your filial piety." And he set my mother free.During that winter, my grandfather regained his strength by eating the fish. My mother prepared everything for my pregnancy and one day my husband said that my parents-in-law wanted me to come back home. Later I found that my husband asked his parents to arrange that because he was sorry for troubling both families because he was visiting me so often. 3. Going Back to my Husband’s House
Therefore I had to go back to my husband’s house. On the third day of March in lunar calendar, I left with my father. My mother made four kinds of rice cake with both regular and glutinous rice. She picked tender worm wood and made worm wood julpyun (rice cake made of regular rice) and injulmi (rice cake made from glutinous rice) of white and jade green colors. The powder of the rice cake was also two kinds. The worm wood injulmi was powdered with hulled mung bean and white injulmi was powdered with hulled red bean. My mother displayed her skill fully in making rice cake and the cakes were so delicate and beautiful looking with delicious tastes. The two wicker trunks of rice cake were carried by a male servant as I came back to my husband’s house. My mother was not entirely happy for me leaving even though I would come to my mother’s house again in the leap month of April. But I couldn’t disobey my parents-in-law although it was already arranged that I would give birth in my parents’ home.
On the day of my departure from my mother’s house, the weather was genial, as the dandelion was smiling in the grass of the rail road bank and the butterfly was flying.. There was red azalea in the mountain, apricot blossoms in the village, and forsythia was in full blossom in the wooden fence. I felt good watching all these of pleasant spring scenery. The servant who carried the rice cake entered the house first and my father-in-law came out to greet us as we walked through the side street.. He looked quite different from before. He had his long hair cut like elementary school students, and had a cane in his hands. His clear face had turned a little bit dark. He greeted my father and me very gladly like a child. "The fish that lives in the big river is different!"Holding the rice cake, my aunt-in-law praised the skill of my mother with this expression as she was cutting the rice cake to share and eat. She also said that it was so clear like a mirror and it was too beautiful to eat. So I became elated.
The atmosphere of the house was as if we were having a feast. It was spring and people weren’t as busy. The villagers who were as close as relatives gathered together. In the man’s part of the house in the main living room, people were enjoying the rice cake with pleasant conversations. Suddenly the atmosphere changed and a stir ran through the house. My father-in-law was stricken with paralysis. I was crying in deep sadness as I felt as if the heaven had stricken down. I don’t know how my father went back to his house. When I went to my father-in-law’s room, he was lying on the knees of my mother-in-law and he couldn’t even speak a word. Hot tears were shedding on my knees continuously.
My uncle-in-law called me from the next room that was connected to the room with two sliding windows. "Dear, please come here."I came out to the floor and entered his room as I was still shedding tears.As I sat down, my uncle-in-law spoke on. "You are not a child of young age… even a new-born baby in swaddling cloth survives without a mother… So couldn’t you live without your father-in-law, even if he dies? Don’t cry. I am afraid you will ruin your health. Your father-in-law had been ill for a few years, and he knew that he would not live long so he hurried to make his son get married. Don’t worry. Children wish their parents live long in good health but it cannot be helped. Keep yourself at ease and take a good care of yourself. Nourish yourself well and do your work, this is your duty as a daughter-in-law. What if you ruin your health and get sick?"This advice of my uncle-in-law greatly comforted me during the distressful situation.A woman shaman was invited to the house. She asked me to bring the Choksam (an unlined Korean summer jacket) that I had worn as I came back from my parents’ house. She said that the spirit of my sister-in-law had been following me. What a pity on my sister-in-law!She was the one who did her best to prepare everything for my wedding and on the previous day of Sinhang (the first visit to my husband’s house) she helped me hold my short hair up in a chignon tying it with a red ribbon and elaborated the shape of my hair with a hair net. As I was visiting my parent’s house after marriage, we heard sad news. My sister-in-law died of a stomach ulcer at P hospital. My parents brought her ashes at night. I sobbed in the darkness and covered it with a blanket. The ashes of my sister-in-law were buried next to my brother’s.The shaman said that the spirit of my sister-in-law, who was such a good person, stuck to me and caused the disease of my father-in-law. My grandmother-in-law who had such a tender heart also believed what the shaman said and I felt pain in my heart. Seeing me agonized, my husband felt sorry too. He told me the story that I didn’t know.
Three years ago, my father-in-law went to the field and fell down on the ground and he was carried on the back of a servant. He was stricken with paralysis for the first time at that time. After a while, he was recovered but he said that "a diseased person cannot live long" and hurried to have his son get married. He wished to see his daughter-in-law and hold a grandson in his arm and my mother-in-law also wanted to help her husband’s wish come true. My husband didn’t want to get married at that time and he wanted to continue to study but he couldn’t neglect his father’s wish so he gave up his studies and decided to get married. Even though he decided to obey his parents by getting married, he didn’t feel easy in his heart and lost his appetite. His lips blistered because of the anguish. But after he saw me over the fence, he wanted to get married and looked forward to the day of the wedding. At first, he decided to get married to obey his father, but now after the marriage, he was satisfied with his married life and he felt sorry for giving me trouble because of his father. So we had pity on each other and felt choked by the sorrow before we fell asleep that night.A month before that, my husband and I had visited his uncle’s house. There was a wedding ceremony of my mother-in-law’s niece where we attended instead of my mother-in-law. Later I discovered that it was because of my father-in-law’s health that she had to stay home. I had not visited my uncle’s house for a long time so we decided to visit there on the way to visit my husband’s uncle’s house. We slept one night at the elder uncle’s house and visited the younger uncle’s the next day in the afternoon. We had delicious food there and soon we left because we had to catch the train on time. My elder uncle’s and younger uncle’s, aunts, cousins, all came to the station to see us off and the small station became a hubbub. We got off the train after passing by one station from the station that we got on which didn’t take long, but we had to walk more than a mile to get to the house of my husband’s uncle’s house. We already had walked about that much to visit my elder uncle’s and my feet got blistered. More than that, my shoes were very tight on my feet and it was very uncomfortable. It was very hard to find shoes made out of rubber during those days. My aunt bought me a white clear rubber shoes from China and she gave me the shoes to wear on my wedding day. Normally white rubber shoes were not really clear white but more yellowish and bright white colored rubber shoes were really rare. So I wore them only once on the day of my wedding and kept it aside wearing other shoes all the time. But since it was a special occasion, I wore them for the second time and now my feet were hurting because they were too tight on me. I held on my husband’s arm and tried not to give step on my feet as I walked but the pain was still there."How about taking off them off and walk on socks alone!"I felt shy but I couldn’t help it anymore. I took off my shoes and held them and walked with him under the shining moon light."So do you feel better?""……"I nodded my head without saying a word in embarrassment and put my cheeks on his shoulder."Better than having sore feet"He said like this with a smile. I ate for the first time that was made of minced soybean leaves with soy powder and bean sprout which was very delicious. I also ate bibimbap (boiled rice mixed with various kinds of cooked vegetables and spicy red pepper paste) and it was delicious too.. There were a lot of guests and the room was too small to hold that many guests so I sat in the corner of the room under the shelf. I felt pain on my shoulder and back. The next night, they gave us the room of the grandparents so that we could sleep in comfort. On the third day, after breakfast we were about to leave and they urged us to stay longer to taste the rice cake because they would make rice cake on that day. But we had to decline and leave because my husband had to go to work and could not take several days off. Grandmother followed us for a while to see us off and watched us until we could not be seen and she was wiping tears with a handkerchief.As we reached the river, we washed our feet. I was thirsty so I chewed the lotus root that we received from his uncle’s house. It was native and sweet.When we were leaving home for this trip, and saw my father-in-law at the K station, he looked different compared with his figure that I saw before I went to my parents’ house. "I have pain in my arm so I will go to D city to get acupuncture." We parted at D station and we headed for my uncle-in-law’s house. I remember what my husband and I talked to each other at the river side. As I asked him about the condition of my father-in-law’s health he said that it was not serious and I believed him. But later I found out that my father- in –law was not well at all.Everyday a physician visited the house. The condition of my father-in-law was very serious and he just lied in bed without being able to say a word but he was gradually getting better. I read about moxa cautery (a folk remedy) and told him to try it but he said it was too hot so he stopped trying it. About the time when I was going back to my house in the leap April of lunar calendar to give birth to a baby, he was doing much better and he could even walk in the house relying on a cane. The whole family was very happy for his recovery. 4. The Birth of the First Baby
I came back to my parents’ home and I was waiting for the day of the delivery as days passed by. My mother went to D city and ordered a cotton quilt to carry a baby on the back. It was time of shortage of goods, so my mom asked me a dye silk, one side in purple, and the other side in green, which the colors were fade-proof. She also filled the cloth with fine cotton to protect the baby from the winter cold, which was a present for her first grandchild.An under quilt, a pillow, clothes, absorbent cotton etc., everything for the baby-to-be born was wrapped in a cloth and put on a top shelf. The day to become a mother was coming near and every moment I had mixed feelings of both delight and fear. A midwife came and went several times. She told us that the day would be delayed than expected. There was not any sign of contraction until the middle of July by the solar calendar and the weather was blazing hot and dry. I heard the news from my husband’s house that it was time to plant the first class rice paddy, but they hadn’t plant any because the soil was too dry. One day, my husband brought green apples from his uncle’s orchard. The apples were from young tree so the size was big and it tasted a little bit sour but we enjoyed the fresh taste. Mom husked the rice that she had prepared for my delivery and looked forward to the baby’s birth. Summer vacation had started. On that morning, my cousin was going back home for the break and as I was helping to pack his belongings, I felt the labor pain. I continued to work but had to stop because of the pain and the pattern repeated. As I finished the work, the gradual circulation speed became faster. A midwife came and I entered my room… It was 11:00 AM . Though I was in labor pain, I vividly remembered the elder’s advice, "Sometimes a mother can’t endure the pain and roll over and hurt the baby.""You need the strength to overcome the pain then you will give a safe birth." The mid wife told me and gave something to drink and I drank it without hesitating. ‘Now I’m going to pass away…’ I went through such a severe painful moment several times and ultimately I heard a baby’s resounding cry of his birth! It was 3:50 PM."Oh! What a joy! It is a boy! He has such a big head so mommy had to push harder…."The midwife’s voice was in high spirit, and I didn’t hear my mother’s answer but I knew she was happy and could imagine her smile vividly. "I was a bit worried because she’s like an innocent child but she did better than good.""As soon as the baby was born, a welcome rain was falling down! This baby is a blessed baby!"The Christian midwife said like this with a full conviction. Truly at the same time of the birth cry of the baby was resounding, the welcome rain poured down powerfully. Hearing the sound of the refreshing rain, I fell into a deep and comfortable sleep. The next day, Mother-in-law came in the busy time of rice planting. Her great delight was unable to express. When I saw my husband for the first time after the delivery, I burst into tears surpassing the gladness and in my mind I thought, ‘Now, I won’t give birth to another baby,’ as I shuddered. But the baby was lovely. Everyday, as we bathed him, he stretched himself and he slept and grew well. After several days passed, my father saw him and he was satisfied and said,"He has a dignified look."His skin was ruddy, his head looked very big as if it was pulled up and the baby looked strange to me that I didn’t know why they said he was handsome and dignified. I couldn’t find anything cute in him. If the baby was not my baby I would have considered him ugly. Then a strange thing happened. My five-year-old youngest brother didn’t go outside for seven days. In my room, we put a mosquito net during the day time to prevent fly from coming in and my brother kept sitting there in sweat.Finally my mother told him, "It’s hot in here. Why don’t you go out and play." But he stayed there for seven days. Later he went out and after a while I heard some noise coming from outside of the window. I could see a face peeking through the window."I can see the baby now, stepping on the chimney. Today she didn’t put mosquito net so I can have a better look at the baby. The baby is sleeping next to my sister."It was my youngest brother. The face disappeared and another face came up and another and another… About five children’s faces came up on the window and watched inside and I could hear my brother’s proud voice. "What a pretty baby, isn’t he?"It was marvelous. The skin of the baby was markedly getting clear. The ruddy color disappeared and his skin looked pretty. His head that was quite strange now became normal. On the seventh day of the month, the great grandmother of the baby came to see the baby. "It looks like an overflow of water! I always thought I would choose my granddaughter-in-law based on the size of the bosom and now I see my dream come true. "It was time for my son to eat his mother’s milk and when she saw the baby sucking the milk she saw the affluence of the milk and that’s what she said with gladness. "My first and second daughters-in-law were all short of their breast milk and they had trouble because of it. It’s OK for the mommies to have trouble but for the babies, when I saw them shaking heads to drink more breast milk, I was so sorry and my heart was broken. Sometimes when I thought that the mothers eat enough like others do and don’t give enough breast milk, I felt like saying abusive words."On hearing her saying, my mother smiled. The baby was growing well. Not only my youngest brother, but also the elder brothers in elementary school and middle school were absorbed in watching the baby as soon as they came back home from school. They fought with each other to touch the hands and the feet of the baby. "He looks like a western baby"My second youngest brother who kept on watching him said to his younger brother and he nodded. "His skin is clear and his hair is yellow."In fact, the hair of the baby looked like golden silk thread. My father said. "Golden hair of the new born baby proves its healthy physical condition" The grandfather of the baby sent us the generation name for the baby. It was Hum, meaning respect. He asked my father to give another character for the name. He showed courtesy to my father by asking him to participate in naming the baby. My father opened the dictionary of the Chinese character and thought deeply as he also asked for my opinion. It was July 1944. My people in Korea lost their freedom to Japan and they were having such a difficult life that it was hard to get even the basic daily necessities. In this difficult situation, my mother went to far-off places and brought brown seaweed and went to relatives who had farm land and got unhusked rice and kept it and hulled it to make fresh rice for daughter’s childbirth and this was all out of her love and sincerity because she also had been served by such a true heart of love from her mother when she gave birth to her children. The meals of other family were normally composed of boiled rice mixed with corn and bean dregs. The Japanese made the people to bring all brass tableware but family did not obey the order. The next day of ancestor worship, we had washed and polished our brass tableware as shiny as silver but the controllers rushed in suddenly and took them all.. The youth were drafted into the army and even middle-aged men were drafted into the war that Japan had provoked. My father said,"My country had set a high value on the literacy but neglected the military force and that’s why we are in this lamentation of national ruin. The way to recover from this situation is not to rely on the literary and become weak but pursue the policy of militarism and equip ourselves with military power."My father was not a military man but a scholar. But in his deep mind, he had a wish to see the day of freedom of our nation. He put his heart’s desire on his grandson’s name and named him Muhum, which means respect of military.Time had passed and it was already the forty eighth day after my son’s birth. Following the command of my parents-in-law, I had to go back and spend the last seven-day period in my husband’s home. In the morning of the forty eighth day, my mother carried the baby on her back and the servant carried a bundle of the baby’s belongings on her head as we headed for my husband’s house. It was a very clear day after the rainfall of the previous day. Everything was prepared to greet the new born baby there. All the relatives, even, second aunt and grandmothers gathered together to see the baby. The house was filled with happiness of celebrating the baby. My father-in-law was much more recovered from his illness and to see him happy with the baby made me cry with gladness.I had to go through a hard time from that day on. At my parents’ house, I had been eating meals of boiled rice with newly hulled fresh rice, brown seaweed soup and delicious side dishes which were not spicy. But the boiled rice mixed with barley and hot spicy kimchi and seasoned green onion at my husband’s house made me lose my appetite. My mother was concerned about my appetite and changed the ingredient every time when she made brown seaweed soup to give variety of taste but now I couldn’t eat the seaweed soup anymore and the rice was coarse like grains of sand. Even my father-in-law who was not in a good condition in his health ate rationed yellow rice and salted Jogi (a kind of fish) bought from a black-market so I couldn’t expect more. But I made enough milk that was more than my son needed. After giving birth, I had been staying inside of the house and had rested in my mother’s house, but now I had to work hard and sometimes I had to carry something heavy and I missed my mother’s home.The thing that was hardest to endure was that the shameless sleep visited me and I was sleepy all the time. In the middle of grinding mill, I sometimes went to the room to give milk to my son and then I felt very sleepy as the eyelids stuck to each other and I thought,‘Oh, I wish if somebody would allow me to take a nap for an hour. Then I wouldn’t expect anything else…"At night my husband used to comfort me by saying,"Honey, I am sorry. What a hard time you have had throughout the day. "Then I would say,"You probably have had a harder day…" and I felt a lump in my throat. He couldn’t continue his study even though he wanted to. He was still young and people of his age had easy time under their parents’ care but my husband had to take care of his household and worry about it which made me sorry for him. "If I had enough money, I could help him study free from worldly cares…"In those days my heart was broken whenever I saw him. He did everything what his father wanted him to do. From the spring of the previous year, my father-in-law acted like a child. My mother-in-law said he was born in a rich family as a noble son and he could have a wealthy life until then with the property that was inherited from his parents so he knew little of the world and he was as simple as a child. He didn’t produce anything by himself until he was a middle-aged man and even then he was blessed with a good fortune. Now in his illness, when he saw that things weren’t going well as he wanted, he felt uneasy like a child. He hadn’t worked for decades and still had enough to spend what he had. But now he almost used up all of his property and he had to depend on his eldest son. My husband supported him and helped him with acupuncture, medicine, and everything he wanted during entire year. How big of a burden he had had to carry on his shoulders! But my husband endured everything and managed the household well. He was such a steadfast and reliable person for the whole family. 5. The Hundredth Day of a Newborn Baby
The hundredth day of the newborn baby was drawing near. It was the day before the hundredth day and my mother-in-law went to the town to buy brown seaweed. She came back at noon with winnow instead. Grandmother- in-law said, "What is this winnow? You told me you went to buy brown seaweed…" She wondered."I walked all around the market but I couldn’t find any brown seaweed so I bought winnow.""Old winnow is worn out and we need to replace it with a new one so you did well to buy it but what should we do if we cannot prepare brown seaweed soup for the baby’s hundredth day anniversary party?" Grandmother-in-law felt very sorry for that. At that time we could purchase what we needed with rice if we couldn’t obtain with money so my mother-in-law had hulled the first crop of the year that day and went to the market. She made radish soup, steamed rice cake and sweet rice in the morning of the hundredth day of the newborn baby and invited relatives. Mother-in-law said,"The grandmother of the baby on the mother’s side should also come to this hundredth day’s party."So she invited her through her son on the previous day but when my mother didn’t appear my mother-in-law was sorry. At about 10 o’clock, my mother came in carrying brown seaweed.My mother-in-law welcomed her gladly and said,"I felt so sorry because you didn’t come… What is this brown seaweed? We couldn’t purchase it so we didn’t make seaweed soup and made radish soup instead for the anniversary party." At noon we made seaweed soup and real anniversary feast was held.Every room was filled with laughter and joyful sound. Of course, the baby was the blossom of the feast. All relatives who came had no babies and they wanted to hold the baby. The baby was smiling almost all the time and everybody liked him.Great grandmother said,"How could you have such a heavenly mind? Do you resemble your dad’s heavenly mind? Or look after your mother’s heavenly mind? Daddy and Mommy both have heavenly minds so it’s natural you inherit heavenly mind from them."Great grandmother was rocking the baby saying these words like singing a song. Chapter 2 1. Learning to Weave
Women were always busy at all the seasons during those days. In spring, we had to breed silkworms and weave silk. We did hemp weaving in summer and cotton weaving from autumn to winter. For the hemp weaving, we first steamed the hemp which was cut from the hemp garden and then peeled the first layer. The stems of the peeled hemp were bundled and dried to be used for the roof or walls in the building of the house. The peeled layer of the hemp was severed into fine string by the women who sat round. The color would soon fade by the sunshine so we had to soak it and then connect the fine strings together. At first I was ashamed because I had to pull up the skirt over the lap to do the work. I first put it on the skirt and tried to follow the women as I was learning and I got accustomed to it. But putting the hemp string on the skin was more effective than doing it on the cloth."How can you be a woman without knowing how to weave?"Not to speak of my brother-in-law’s upbraiding, I was instructed that I should adjust myself to the costumes of my husband’s house and I decided to learn how to weave. When my mother-in-law went out to the field, I tried to practice weaving. The weaving machine was in the floored room of the attached building of the main house. I sat on the seat of the machine. I had observed my mother-in-law when she was weaving. First I girdled the halter around my waist and put on the shoes that belonged to the machine and gripped the spindle. I prepared myself for the weaving one by one. As I pushed back one foot that was connected to the main body of the weaving machine, the main body was drawn back and the warp-adjuster for the loom was opened. I pushed the spindle from my right hand into the warp- adjuster and took the spindle with my left hand and pulled my foot forward now. Then the curved main body came forward like bowing. I began to operate the weaving machine by pulling and pushing, moving my foot and the spindle came and went from my right hand to the left hand and left to right. The speed of the weaving was not fast but gradually I got accustomed to it and, I found interest in weaving. Inch by inch I made progress and I was concentrated on the work even losing my track of time. Soon I felt an ache on my side. I had a backache since I was pregnant and I had a severe pain during the delivery. Now I was feeling the pain again. "Ah! What a back pain!"I said to myself as I gripped my side with one hand automatically."Dear, do you want to be sick? Why do you want to do this?"I didn’t know that my husband came home from work and stood in front of the room. "Oh, I didn’t know you were here…"I was blushing and felt ashamed. "Don’t labor in vain to cause more back pain."He looked really angry. I instantly took off the girdle and came out of the room with my head down. After that I never again sat on the loom. "To weave hemp cloth is much more difficult than to weave cotton and you cannot weave hemp at a first try."I don’t know what my husband said to my mother-in-law but that’s what she said. Maybe my body was not trained for heavy labor and mother-in-law was worried as she said I was as weak as a bubble. I often had illness from fatigue and had to lie in bed and my mother-in-law was kind to me at first but later she used to say that she was tired of having a daughter-in-law who didn’t know how to work and shook her head. I wanted to obey her in everything but I couldn’t because of my physical weakness and sometimes I became gloomy."Why didn’t my parents teach me how to work instead of study?"I felt reproachful to my mother. When I was sick and lying in bed, I felt my heart fall down as I listened to the clamoring sound of dishes coming from the kitchen as my mother-in-law was washing the dishes.. "Maybe she is angry." My eyes were full of tears. But I couldn’t show my tears to my husband. In the evening, when he came home from work, I greeted him with a smile. I felt sorry for being sick so often and I became disheartened because my mother-in-law thought I was stupid. "My daughter-in-law is a fool."Without my son, how much more miserable I would have been. She liked the cute baby so she seemed to treat me with a smiling face. Grandmother-in-law always took me under her wing. I was once serving rice in bowls and I found I had cooked too much rice than needed. Grandmother-in-law was receiving the rice bowl through the window between the room and the kitchen, and noticed it.She said, "Dear, you made more rice than what is needed. If your mother-in-law sees it, she would scold you so put one bowl of rice in the cupboard."I did as she said and my mother-in-law happened to open the cupboard later that day.. "Why did you put rice here?""……"I couldn’t say a word."I found rice was more than enough so I told her to do that."Grandmother-in-law replied instantly and I was rescued.I didn’t know how to cook rice at first when I got married and I had a hard time. When I was scolded for making watery boiled rice, next time I cooked hard rice. I learned to cook rice at school but it was on a small pot and I could measure water with a measuring cup but cooking boiled rice on a big pot of 54 liters was very hard to measure the right amount of water to boil rice. As I continued to fail in boiling rice, my mother-in-law began to admonish me. "You should learn how to cook rice after trying once. If you failed the first time, you must know how to correct it the next time. If you put the proper amount of water with rice and boil it the taste should be delicious and the quantity of the boiled rice increases, but if the water is more or less than necessary, the boiled rice doesn’t taste good and the quantity of the boiled rice diminishes. What can a woman do without knowing how to cook rice? You must have lived in luxury before the marriage." "Mother, please endure this time and eat what she cooks. She will be more careful and do better next time." My husband said."This has been repeated several times already. Why don’t you keep quiet as I say something to her? You seem to stand on your wife’s side… Everyday she makes poor boiled rice and I still have to close my mouth and keep silent?"Mother’s voice became higher because of my husband’s reaction.That evening I told my husband silently."I am really sorry… I got married without even knowing how to cook rice. Now I will be more careful to do better. But I need your help. If you speak like that as you did this morning, I feel even sorrier for that, and I don’t know what to do…"He seemed to be perplexed and asked me what he could do to help me. "If the boiled rice is not good, you scold me first. "He smiled at my words. I tried all my best but still the rice was not perfect. As I opened the cover of the pot, seized with fear and saw the boiled rice, I had a crying face.At breakfast, my husband said, "Mother told you to be careful and how come you failed again?""She might be getting better. If you tell one to do well, sometimes one makes it worse",Mother-in-law said gently this time. I was happy in his arms that night. 2. Story of Autumn and Winter
Autumn was getting deeper.. The attractively ripe persimmons, as red as the sunset, hanging on the trees of the yard were picked and gathered. Red peppers were picked and dried in a large flat round basket and stored neatly. Cotton was picked and dried and carried in from the field and then we started to sort it out and prepared to weave cloth which was women’s night job in my house. After kimchi-making for the winter was done, long winter night was getting deeper with weaving of winter cloth. After finishing supper, the whole family gathered in grandmother’s room and talked cheerfully. Occasionally uncle-in-law was present there. Sometimes his wife (aunt-in-law) and their children with another uncle-in-law (a male cousin of my father-in-law), his wife and others also gathered. During those days my mother-in-law usually did the work of sorting out the cotton. When my mother-in-law and I were on the job, some women from the neighborhood came to help us and the work was done more easily. As night was deepening we bid good night to each other, retired to bed and we came to our room. The baby slept through and had a good night sleep. He always fell asleep early evening and didn’t wake up before midnight so one time at my parent’s house my husband brought a ticket for a music concert and we went out to attend there. When we came back at 11 P.M my lovely baby was still sleeping sweetly. After he could crawl, however, it was dangerous to leave him alone since he may wake up.After my husband and I withdrew to our room, I could still hear the spinning in the main living room and the sound didn’t stop for a long time. In my room, I did either needle work or reading. Regardless of what I did, needle work or any other work I did, I always read books just before going to bed. It was a habit from my girlhood. In the first year when I came to my husband’s house, my husband did not approve of this as I made the bed ready and did not go to bed immediately but read books instead. I told him,"This is a habit of mine that without reading a book for even a single night I feel uneasy and cannot sleep well." He understood me and he also made a habit of studying every night. Our night conversation was happy and pleasant because we kept the promise that was made at the beginning of our marriage which was to have only pleasant and helpful conversations with each other. Therefore, between us no unpleasant talking came out and we were a couple of teaching and learning from each other. We tried to respect, understand, listen attentively, and accept the advice given from each other. We made effort to improve our lives and sought mental nourishment from good books and from our conversation. In the wooden floored room of the detached building, which was the men’s part of the house, there were Chinese books that grandfather might have read. I heard that grandfather-in-law was a scholar. Inside of the big old wooden box, there was a bunch of brass coins in a string with some other Japanese books. Among the books I found there was a curious book written in Japanese and another book written Korean and Chinese entitled "Agonies of Century." I also found a picture which was printed in 1924, which was of a person praying by a rock. I brought those two books and the picture to my room. As I think back now, I cannot understand why I brought them to my room at that time. I liked the books very much and that might have been why I brought the books but I was not a person who was very fond of pictures. I didn’t know who Jesus was at that time. Anyway I framed the picture (I found out later that the praying person was Jesus) and put it on the wall over the window of my room. And strangely enough, my husband, the co-owner of the room didn’t raise an objection against it. And even my parents-in-law or grandmother-in-law didn’t say any word for the picture in my room.Of the two books that I brought, I started to read the heavier and bigger sized book entitled "The Age of Creation and Lives of Patriarchs" which was in Japanese and I read it a bit by bit every night. There were some pictures too and as I read through the book, I felt a fresh thrill of entering into an unknown world. The book was quite different from the books I had ever read before. The word ‘Jehovah’ appeared repeatedly. As my son grew older and became the age to understand stories, I wanted to be a mom to tell him stories selected from good books that I had read to enrich his dreams for future so I diligently read books as much as I could. I kept the big-sized book until I came to America and I left it at my brother’s house and he said that he donated the book to the Korean Adventist Sahmyook University . After I became a Christian, I found out that the picture was the scene of "Jesus’ praying at Gethsemane ." I carried the picture wherever I went and brought it with me later to America . What a wonder it is! When I found the book and the picture, I was still far from Christianity since I was raised as a daughter of thorough Confucianism and my husband’s house was the same. But without knowing, I was following the providence of God step by step. The sorted out cotton was put in a machine to remove the seed as the machine made a creaking sound. I washed the machine with soap to make the machine operate smoothly but soon it made the creaking sound again. The cotton that became seedless was spread out on the clean yard on a frosty day and when it was moistened properly, grandmother-in-law would beat the cotton with a string of a willow bow. The cotton which was beaten with a bow was piled up like white clouds and it was marvelous to watch. Then the cotton would be wrapped in a smooth artificial silk cloth which was made into a cocoon in a spinning bobbin (to spin into a thread later) made from millet stalk. This was done on a small old wooden box turned upside down. The box had always been used for cocoon box when spinning. I really enjoyed seeing the rolling of cotton cocoon with millet stalk on the cocoon box. The cocoon resembled a slender rice cake, and the ends of both sides were a little more slender of which the length might have been about 25 centimeters. When I rolled it, grandmother-in-law would bound the cocoon softly with a straw which had been neatly trimmed and cut in proper length and then she put them in the box. The cocoon box was piled and stored in a wall closet and later this cotton cocoon was spun into a thread. With her strong arms of muscles raised, mother-in-law weaved fabric with the tread for the whole household.
The country was very poor of resources during those days, and even buying a pair of socks was very hard. The Japanese Empire who occupied my country was at war and they tried to exploit everything from us. So even with money, there weren’t enough goods to purchase, and people had to make inner wears and socks by themselves at home. I untwisted the narrow part of the worn out socks and knitted it again with cotton thread which was much better than knitted with cotton thread alone and it got less dirty. I did knitting whenever I had time.. The aunts and grandmothers used to say with half appraisal and half amazement,"They say that Mother-in-law gave birth to a daughter-in-law. Do you work even on holidays?’My mother-in-law was a very diligent person and she also worked very well in everything. I followed her example trying to save time always and I couldn’t stop working because I felt empty when I would not be working even for a short time. I liked to do needling and knitting which I never got tired of but other physical works were hard which easily made me become sick. 3. Washing, Filling and Treadmill
In winter time, the most difficult thing was washing clothes. It was very hard to purchase soap during those days so before starting washing we first had to prepare soap by rendering lye from ashes made from burnt rice straw. To do this, we would first get warm water in the biggest cauldron. Then we would put the ashes in a Zabegi (a deep round pottery bowl). On the Chetdari (a vessel support on which a sieve is laid that is used in the process), an earth ware would be laid and the jar that was usually used for growing bean sprout. Then we put straw ashes and ashes of bean chaff in the jar. Bean chaff was used to make fire for cooking and the ashes of it was gathered and stored in an old manger that was saved from fall to be used for this specific purpose. The next step was to slowly pour the warm water on the ashes and then the water melted with ashes would drop in the Zabegi. The first product of lye had a reddish color and that is scooped out to be used for boiling clothes to bleach. And the last product was used to rub the dirt of clothes in washing. We wore lots of white cotton cloth at that time and the cotton cloth was all right to be washed by the ash water alone without soap but silk or woolen fabric were suitable only to soap. The dirty spots of some cotton clothes also needed soap to be washed. I washed the dirt of the clothes first at a place for doing laundry (at the brook) and after the first wash, I would use the soap very sparingly to rub the dirty spot. It is easy to say now but when I had to wash clothes in the washing place, it was an open area with no shelter to keep warm from the wind blowing from north, I felt sharp pain like a needle poking my fingertips and no matter how persistently I tried to wash the dirty spots like the edges of the sleeve and shirts, it wasn’t blotted out easily as it only drew out tears from my eyes. With my cold hands I couldn’t squeeze the white thick cotton sheet, a traditional Korean man’s outer coat, traditional man’s trousers and jacket, and woman’s skirt and jacket, women’s trousers and underwear and busun (traditional Korean socks) as I wondered why all these clothes had to be white. Everyday I washed small things but soon we had a large bulk of laundry which Onsoon and I carried on top of our heads.We would boil the clothes for quite a bit of time to make it clean and we would go to the brook again and wash them which took a whole day. The next day we would dry up the clothes. Then the following day we would boil them in hot water to remove lye from the clothes and after they were dry they become clean like pear blossoms. We would starch clothes and do filling and needlework of trousers, Korean jacket and skirts, women’s Korean jacket etc. Some winter jackets and trousers needed to be padded and then we would make their shapes through ironing and then put them into a wardrobe of everybody and then again it would be the day of big laundry. Baby’s clothes were not colorful like these days and in winter times they wore padded cotton clothes.When I was growing up in my parents’ house, I used to say, "I want to learn filling clothes." But my mother answered, "Dear, you don’t need to learn such things." But after marriage, I had a very hard time because I didn’t learn to fill clothes. It happened about ten days after I came to my husband’s house.One day my mother-in-law commanded me,"Dear, you do this filling today." And she went out. It was father-in-law’s traditional Korean trousers and jacket. I don’t know what kind of a special day it was but grandmother-in-law was not home either. I was alone the whole day enduring the pain by clenching my teeth as I bit the material (silt clothes) for filling, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t see the clothes shine and be filled. I felt a severe pain in my arms and my feelings became dull but the silk clothes that mother-in-law weaved by herself was so stout and remained unchanged.I bit the clothes until I had to stand up to prepare supper. Finally, with the numbed arms I ate supper and went to bed and the pain in my arms started again. I couldn’t describe the pain and even though my mother used to say that I had born pain well from my childhood I couldn’t bear it this time. I got up and massaged my arm but the pain became worse. I was afraid to wake my husband up so I went outside. I roamed around the well but the burning pain was not relieved. At last the door of our room was opened and I heard my husband’s soft voice calling me, "Honey! Honey!"I had to go back to the room. "What’s the matter? Do you have any problem?""I have pain in my arms. I can’t bear it.."He saw my tearful face and massaged my arm.""Ouch!"He was startled at my screaming and removing his hands, he said in an extremely urgent voice,"What’s wrong? Tell me why?""I did filling…"Even though I worked as hard as I could that caused the pain, I wasn’t able to finish the work for the day so I was ashamed and I answered in a very tiny voice. "When you feel tired, then you should stop it. How foolish you are to endure the pain and continue to do it?" I was ashamed and afraid of his big voice of scolding so I escaped to outside. The door of our room was opened with a noisy sound and he couldn’t calm down his anger so he kicked the door and lied down with his arms stretched and legs on the floor. I saw his figure in the moon light and I heard his voice. "What a fool! Why couldn’t she stop the work when she felt the pain!"Finally, grandmother came to me and she massaged my arm and the pain was relieved but this incident made me feel ashamed for a long time.After that when I did filling and my husband heard the sound of beating the clothes, he used to say," Honey, I will help you."
I had another similar experience in treadmill. One day mother-in-law started husking rice. I and Jin Seok pounded with a pestle and mother-in-law put the grain in the hole of the mill and winnowing. We husked one big bag of rice that day and at night I performed the same show that I had after filling clothes all day long. This time it was with my legs not with my arm. My early period of living in my husband’s house was hard and awkward and in the meantime the third spring was approaching. 4. Grandmother and Mother-in-law
Grandmother-in-law was a person of elegance. Her voice was always gentle and her way of speaking or conduct was truly of a lady or a gentle- woman. When she was young, she must have been very beautiful because she had a high forehead, a fitting nose, small and well-shaped mouth, and an oval face. Now she had gray hair but when she was young her hair was black, shiny and thick that people used to cast envious eyes on her. So every year she had to cut her hair (she cut her hair selectively to make it look thin). Whenever I sewed her busun (traditional Korean socks) I exclaimed,"Her busun is like a cucumber- seed shape which means it’s very tiny and cute!"What a suitable comparison it was between the beautiful Korean word, waesee meaning cucumber seed and her busun, and the delicate small curve of the lining of the busun. I decorated the attached patches of curved lining neatly and grandmother would say,"Dear, why do you put so much effort on the bottom part of the body to make it beautiful? That part could not be seen from the outside, but it would certainly be good to be seen… and she valued it very much and even hesitated on wearing it. "How could you do both studying and learning to decorate the busun curve lining?"I was very ashamed of making poor boiled rice, and now I could vindicate my honor with busun sewing. Mother-in-law was quite different from grandmother-in-law. In expressing her emotion, grandmother was very calm like the surface of a lake on a windless day, but mother-in-law was different. She was like a stream in summer. Sunshine, clouds, wind, rain, these four elements worked differently in her emotion at different times. Her hair was a little curly and light black or a kind of ligh